Lessons learned from talking to ourselves

Are we really hearing when people talk to us? Or do we just hear what we want to hear?

My younger sister often calls me during her long drives to and from work. The last time we spoke, I must have been going on and on about something when the call dropped and I did not notice. So I was having a conversation with her that she did not hear. It made me realize that when people talk, the conversation is often not about the other person until we’re seeking their approval.

I only noticed that my sister was no longer on the line with me because I was seeking affirmation – in this case social cues like really? or Aha! – otherwise it would feel to me as if I were speaking to myself.  But in this case maybe it wasn’t so bad that she missed what I was saying – she does have a tendency to hold my feet to the fire and undoubtedly would have asked her trademark “Are you practicing what you preach?”

I’ve written before about one of my teachers named Lester Levenson. Lester asserted that all of our thoughts culminate into 3 wants:

1. Approval
2. Control
3. Security

In other words, for everything a person wants to do, or avoid, one of these 3 wants is driving them. This inevitably leads to more self-talking and hopefully the age-old meditation: Who am I?

Having experimented with many meditation schools, I can say that very few people really meditate. Some people who like to use a mantra think they’re meditating, and it works for them, because in the process they quiet their minds and they find peace. The truth is that if you want to reach divinity, concentrating on chants and mantras is not the way because you’re using the mind to conquer the mind.

Meditation the spiritual way is instead about disinhibition, letting go of mind and living in the present moment, and nothing else…certainly not prepping for an argument with my husband! That is probably why I keep coming back to meditation, and it continues to improve my life in new ways.

So you see, talking to yourself like a friend is fine – but don’t forget that the best friends are the ones you can sit with in silence.

Have you ever closed your eyes and dared not to dream?

A Journey to Panna: My Second Vipassana Retreat…Part 2

The last time I wrote, I attested to the awesome power of Vipassana meditation, and my second 10-day retreat there earlier this year. Thinking back to that wonderful week and a half I find myself feeling so blessed beyond measure…wow.

We left off on Day 6. On day 7, I didn’t go to meditate in my assigned cell at the pagoda. Instead, from 4:30-6:30 a.m., I sat in the meditation hall. My body was aching, and I kept resisting the urge to move. I was playing tough, in that I didn’t want to change my position and I was suffering, and that suffering was massive.

What had gone wrong? The day before I had attained my much anticipated, much hoped-for “A-ha” moment, and now I was miserable. Somehow, I needed to figure out a way to apply Goenkaji’s teachings. I started hearing Goenkaji’s voice in my head. The suffering was still there, but his voice instilled an attitude of gratitude. I was grateful for this opportunity, I was grateful for who I am, and everything in my life. As they say: No regrets.

So by sitting there, and observing the unpleasant sensation throughout my body from head to toe and examining how it felt, I decided that from then on my body would be still. My mind is going to be quiet, calm, alert, equanimous, and whatever situation I find myself in it, too, shall pass.

Every time I wanted to scratch an itch, or whatever the case might have been, I knew that, too, would pass. I cannot talk about other people’s sensations, but I know for sure I experienced the sensation of coming and going away from my own body. One minute I was in Cameroon, aged 5, then aged 7, then 15, and the next minute I was in France, aged 20, then one city or another, then before you know it I found my old self in school in New York and then I was back at Dhamma Dara, in my self-imposed prison.

Then another A-ha moment: I do not have to be my thoughts, I can simply be the observer of my thoughts.

Observing our thoughts instead of being them relieves some of our suffering! Whining and complaining about not having enough money will not put money in your pocket. It just creates deeper and deeper sankara, or misery, that robs us of our clarity of mind. And the joke is that when you really let go, it all comes to you. I have witnessed that firsthand.

What you resist persists…It is our resistance that creates suffering.

– Buddha

And the resistance creates more and more resistance.

The rest of my time at the retreat was spent living in the moment, and I began to aspire to doing dishes and cleaning the toilets in the center. That is what older students like me graduate to; being of service to newer students.

I would like to make a small disclaimer to anyone considering a retreat at Dhamma Dara: The Vipassana technique does not work if it is diluted, blended or turned into a frappé. The meditation hall can be like a torture chamber, but it’s a free torture chamber; donations are only accepted after you have tried the course. I always used to hide behind donating money, but there, service is always more meaningful than money. I have to go and donate my most valuable asset – my time – and serve in any capacity I’m assigned to serve, including doing the dishes, wiping and cleaning toilets. That is my next move, and I’ve already signed up to do that this fall.

Say “Yes!” To Life

I am lucky to be one of the many thousands of students who have been uplifted by the teachings of karma yogi SN Goenka. I wrote about my experience meeting Master Goenka earlier this month.

I’m glad I did.

On September 29, 2013, my most accomplished yogi  gave up his body, no doubt to help other souls on their journey to enlightenment.

Since his passing, I have been thinking about this experience we all share – the splendor of being alive. Buddha taught that life is suffering, and I am here to say “Yes.”

Yes to illness, yes to the job that we fear, yes to whatever keeps us up at night. The source of your suffering might be a relationship; financial problems; losing a job or the death of a loved one, but whatever it is, say “YES!” as we head into the holidays this year.

We’ll all be reminded of family members who will not be seated at the table with us because they have passed on. My own father passed 20 years ago. Even the family members who break bread and wishbones with us this year live a life that is rapidly fleeting, just like yours and mine.

But learning to say “Yes” to the impermanence of the people you love this year, during the holiday season, will help you to enjoy their company so much more. Forget about what they should have done, or could have done. Say yes to their so called “mistakes,” and accept them unconditionally. Because it is all too easy to lose ourselves in our technology, to multitask instead of having real conversations. To seek out every possible distraction from the temporary nature of our lives, whether it be fixating on a smartphone or looking at the TV while someone is talking to us.

Those big jets that take us to the places we are from, that’s the only technology we need.

A Little Spiritual Algebra

Taking responsibility for everything that happens to you is an awesome idea. If you want to improve your Self, you must blame yourself for more of the bad things that happen to you. “Doesn’t that go against everything I have ever learned about improving myself?” you might ask. Well, let me tell you how I came to that conclusion.

Earlier this month I took one of those life-sustaining winter vacations out of cold New York and into the tropics. My destination was Oahu, Hawaii, where I was set to attend the Wanderlust Festival of music and Yoga, which was co-founded by my teacher Schuyler Grant. I also got a chance to catch up with my other teacher and mentor, Baron Baptiste.

It was when I was relaxing on the beach during some down time that I finally, really, noticed the ocean. Pulsating and vibrant like a community, it went from being a really large amount of salty water to millions of unique waves who just happened to be traveling with one another. Some were bigger and took up more space, but there weren’t any quarrels or wars. They were at peace – and so much peace is abundant in the ocean – so much, you can choose to take as much as you want with you.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-Lao Tzu

This meditation on the sea had a dissolving effect on the accumulated tightness in my muscles and my mind. Is everybody on the beach enjoying this as much as I am? I wondered. I realized my perspective is unique only to me and it is always within my power to change perspective – so in a sense, it was possible to take responsibility for everything I witness. If I “blamed” myself, then I could fix myself. A little spiritual algebra.

If you are in a relationship and there are things that are not working in that relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship or a friend, whatever it is, you can assume responsibility for the situation, even if it is not your “fault.” The real reason these things are happening is me…an unlikely mantra but one to consider.

As a welcome byproduct, you will find yourself inspired to go about things differently. You will put yourself in charge of your life instead of doing a lot of blaming and claiming. Your intuition will guide you to the things that make you feel good and and if something or someone bothers you, you will have a safe and speedy way of processing it.

And now you see how blaming yourself for everything that happens to you can be a perfectly healthy thing to do.

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

Don’t Let Your Goals Get In The Way Of Your Intentions

Once there were two sisters who were fighting over the last orange in the cupboard. Neither was willing to share it, as each had her own goal of taking the entire orange. When their mother stepped in to settle the dispute, she learned that one girl wanted it for the juice and the other for the rind. “See,” the mother said, “you let your goals get in the way of your intentions.”

Disappointment, failure, apathy: All words that have a way of lurking in any conversation about New Year’s resolutions. Why is that? If people set goals based on what they would like to become in the new year, why can’t they do it? A knee-jerk reaction might be to say their goals are unrealistic, but what if the real culprit is the very act of setting goals?

I ask that question because there are people who have set goals and say things like  “I’ll be happy when I get a new job” or “I’d like to be in a new relationship” or “I’ll be happy when I have tons of money” – and when they do reach their goals they’re still unhappy.

I don’t like goals; another word for “goal” is “end,” and I don’t believe in endings. I would rather focus on what my intentions are.

An intention is something to move toward – there’s no conclusion, success or failure. Intentions are non-judgmental, they don’t lead to disappointment and they spring eternal from within each of us as extensions of our personalities.

This year, my New Year’s intention is to let go of all non-loving feelings. I would like to live a life where I don’t judge anyone or anything, where I’m content, and at every instance grateful. I want to keep love and trust, and throw out fear and doubt.

By letting go of all non-loving feelings we get closer to happiness, which is also peace of mind. The times that I have been able to experience such a place have been filled with beauty and the knowledge that everything happens the way it was meant to happen.

Even if today I’m not able to be loving and positive and accepting of everything, I still have tomorrow to start over without beating myself up.

This can be exercised in all areas of life. Relationships, finances, career, health issues; accepting what is happening, focusing on what is working rather than what is not working.

In meditation, thoughts may surface but the key to quieting the mind is to accept those thoughts and move on. Make your life your meditation. If negative thoughts surface into your consciousness, accept them and carry on with your intentions – they will remain the same, negative thoughts or not.

Here’s to 2013…may your intentions inform you and help you answer the most important question you will ever answer: Who are you?

A Flu Shot for the Mind

Science has extended our physical lives through discoveries about exercise and diet, even going so far as to eradicate smallpox from the world. But while vaccines and antibiotics ensure our physical longevity, what can we do to inoculate our souls against the challenges we face in our day-to-day living?

We can literally, do nothing; stillness is the cardio of our minds. The act of mindfulness, of being aware of your thoughts in the present moment, is like being aware of your blood pressure or pulse. It alerts us as to what we need to work on, and provides us with insights as to the nature of our selves.

“The way to do is to be.”

– Lao Tzu

I like to “be” by incorporating the practice of yoga and mindfulness in whatever I do. We may not have the luxury of living in caves and meditating all day, but even the busiest person can reserve 20 minutes out of his or her day to do so. I was recently reminded of an old Zen adage which proves that the problems of today are the same as the problems humanity faced centuries ago:

“You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day—unless you’re too busy; then you should sit for an hour.”

“Do your duty, Arjuna.”

 Krishna to Arjuna, Bhagavad-Gita

The duty of humanity is to shed our divisive past in favor of Love. Love is the essential healing force in a chaotic world filled with alarm clocks, endless meetings and deadlines. However, if we do our duty to ourselves and do the best job we can, our minds will not be self-critical. One’s ego will no longer criticize him or her for not doing enough or not being good enough. So Love is like a flu shot for the mind, preventing us from getting sick with regrets and second thoughts. It allows us to nip our regrets in the bud – which quiets the mind, in addition to calming our bodies.

There’s no wrong way of doing this. All it requires is having the courage to make the decision to open the door to Love for ourselves, and the audacity to reject the non-loving feelings that taint our hearts.  It’s a way of giving approval to ourselves. It’s a way of accepting who we are with whatever is working well in our lives at that particular moment. Right now I’m sitting. I’m grateful for that. Whatever is not working well, I’m still grateful for it. I’m grateful for the lessons that I may learn from that.  I’m still grateful for the opportunity to do something else.

“To love is to recognize yourself in another.”

Eckhart Tolle

As a coach, I share with my clients strategies to vaccinate themselves against non-loving feelings – in other words, we build an immunity against self-defeating thoughts, laying the groundwork for prevention rather than just sticking a band aid on the problem.

Contact me today to find out more.

Authentique Coaching
Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
(212) 374-1511
25 Murray Street
New York, NY 10007
denise@authentiquecoaching.com

Be Grateful For Who And What You Have

It was my third year in America when my son Nicolas was attending preschool. One day in November he came home and said to me, “Mommy on Thanksgiving we eat turkey.” That year was my first Thanksgiving celebration and soon my sister, and only close relative in America then, joined in on all the Thanksgiving traditions. We, too, were using the time off to be together and create memories.

That is what is so special about Thanksgiving: The getting together of families.

The family gatherings where I come from tended to occur, unfortunately, through funerals. That is why I am so grateful this year to see my sons and my first granddaughter, my sister and her family, in a setting of celebration. That is a tradition I will maintain: Sharing and moving forward together as a family – two things to be so grateful for.

Gratitude, I would define as the appreciation of Life, the appreciation of the things we might otherwise take for granted.

Growing up in a religious family, I felt my father gave away much more money to the church than he did to us children. This instilled a deep sense of service to others in me, as well as a recognition of all the things I have. I think that is the reason why my mission, my purpose in life, is to help people discover that they will be happier if they appreciate all of the little blessings in their lives – in other words, to empower themselves.

The hurricane reaffirmed to me that point.

What we perceive as a curse can just as easily be turned into a blessing. Like everyone else in lower Manhattan, I was without power. But I empowered myself; I spent some great moments getting to know myself, reflecting on myself and meditating. I wrote Thank You notes to the people I love and I went through my address book to see if there were any relationships that needed mending.

Likewise, my intention is to empower my yogis and my coachees to discover that they have the power to turn a situation around, from one that hurts to one that heals. To turn “I can’t!” into “I can!”

That is not possible without gratitude for the unnoticed, little things; without appreciating of the breath of life. As Meister Eckhart said:

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was ‘Thank you,’ that would suffice.”

This ThanksGiving, I invite you to share in my journey with an invigorating physical and spiritual two hour Meditation and Power Vinyasa Yoga Workshop at Dance Exposure II in Princeton.

Discover Your True Self And Allow Your Authentic Personality To Shine!

You will leave feeling stronger, more flexible and energized, and most importantly—full of gratitude on this day of giving Thanks.

Prayer For Sweetness

May the wind blow sweetness,
the rivers flow sweetness,
the herbs grow sweetness,
for the People of Truth!

Sweet be the night,
sweet the dawn,
sweet be earth’s fragrance,
sweet be our Heaven!

May the tree afford us sweetness,
the sun shine sweetness,
our cows yield sweetness —
milk in plenty!

– Author Unknown

Memories of Meditation and Mindfulness

All of man’s difficulties are caused by his inability to sit, quietly, in a room by himself.
–Blaise Pascal

Back in 2005 I was at a Baron Baptiste Power Yoga event in Rhinebeck, New York. During the lunch break, I saw there was another group sharing the venue with us. There were so many of them, and they all ate their lunch in silence! I eventually got to talk with a few of them and I asked what they were doing there. They were attending a Mindfulness Meditation retreat led by a medical doctor named Jon Kabat-Zinn. They recommended that I check out his book Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World through Mindfulness.

I rushed to the bookstore and devoured the book. I later learned that Mr. Kabat-Zinn would be doing a book-signing at the bookstore that evening, and I decided I must go and meet the man. I stood on the line for over an hour, with the book in hand and full of emotion. When I finally got to meet him, even though the line was long, he spent some time with me.

I told him that I practiced yoga but I had trouble with the resting pose. I said “I am just restless, I think I feel like I’m wasting my time. I want to work out, not just sit there.” He listened to me, encouraged me, and personalized my book, writing “May this be the door in,” in addition to the stamp he imprinted on everyone’s books: May your mindfulness practice grow and flower and nourish your life from moment to moment and from day to day. It was just so beautiful. That was back in May, 2005. And that’s when I truly started to meditate.

Be – don’t try to become.
– Osho

If you ask me now, seven years later, “What is the meaning of meditation?” I would just say it’s the art of quieting the mind. But how is that possible? Scientists say we have 6,000 thoughts a day, so how can we eliminate those thoughts? What I suggest to my students is that once you sit in meditation, all you need to do is check in with your Self, with the present, with what is happening now.

At first it might not be easy. My very first meditation when sitting down was really painful. My nose itched, I was restless, I was aching and my mind kept wandering on and on. Why was that happening? It was happening because I was pretty much results-oriented. In order to do something, I needed to know where it would lead to. I needed some specific results. I felt that just sitting down and doing nothing was such a waste of time. That’s how ignorant I used to be.

It’s not so much about doing as about being.
– Jon Kabat-Zinn

In stillness there is really no thinking. Thoughts evaporate because they become meaningless to you – no matter what those thoughts are. Non-duality is so important because our world is the world of contradictions. Black, white. Good, bad. Beautiful, ugly. I meditate to get away from that and the independence I achieve brings me to a oneness, and from oneness to non-limitations, and from non-limitations to abundance everywhere.

Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.
– Eckhart Tolle

Like everyone else, sometimes I am faced with outrageous tuition to pay or other devastating bills, and I always find my solution by meditating. “How am I going to pay that bill?” I ask myself, in a non-judgmental way. I say yes to it. I love the bill and I’m OK with it. Guess what? Somehow I’ll get the funds to pay. I’m going to make that tuition. I’m going to do this and pay it all. Somehow I will find the funds. I know that I always come up with it. Whatever it is.

Meditation to me is priceless. If I don’t meditate first thing in the morning, I won’t get out of my bed.

If every 8-year-old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation.
-Dalai Lama

How do we get to that point? You have to say to yourself that meditation is something that is very, very important – not just to you, but for the world. It requires some discipline. It can’t be, “Oh I’ll do that once in awhile.” Just like the muddy water in a puddle needs time to settle before the water become clear, you have to let your practice of meditation take its course to settle your reckless thoughts, consistently, for a long time.

And that’s where my coaching comes in. Because if your mind is full of clutter, if you have so many nagging things from the past, that are haunting you, if you’re not living in the now, in the present moment, how can you find stillness?

Through release techniques, through rebooting your mental “operating system”, you and I will quiet the turbulent waters and let the mud settle down until there is nothing but you – on top of all your problems.

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You Are Not Your Age

If your body is going to age, does your mind have to age as well? Who said your body and mind even have to age?

Age, as we define it, is just a number. When we meet strangers, they can only guess how old we are. Yet we give such importance to every year, every month of our own age. Even though we really do not feel any different, we’re almost forced to feel different on our birthdays. According to Albert Einstein’s work, a body in motion ages less. It’s not a coincidence, then, that I call myself a “coach”; My job is to keep you moving and to keep you young.

Yoga is an excellent way to keep a body in motion. My practice of Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga strengthens muscles, enhances flexibility and increases endurance. At my yoga classes, boot camps and retreats, I have personally witnessed astounding transformations in my students – just by bringing their bodies and minds closer together. Arms, legs, hands, feet…they have no idea what “43” or “57” is.

It is just as important to nourish our spirits as it is to nourish our bodies. At Authentique Coaching, I work with coachees to tailor successful plans to surmount the various traps and stalemates of modern life. The human spirit yearns for loving feelings, and I will show you how love can interrupt the self-defeating thoughts of an exhausted mind. Changing your thoughts is the only way to change your destiny. Throughout your journey to a lasting happiness you will find that history’s greatest thinkers owed their success to unleashing the power of the subconscious mind. If you are full of thoughts like “I can’t do this” or “I can’t afford that,” then your subconscious mind will take you at your word and ensure that you do not have the ability or money to live as you choose.

If you allow me to, I will demonstrate that happiness isn’t found in winning a conflict or obtaining more money, but rather within yourself. To free your ageless spirit, we’ll first put it to work by letting go of your past. When you let go of your past, you become hootless, where no bad memories or sense of doom ever bothers you.

Every journey starts with the first step. Whether you are 30, 50 or 70, it’s never too late to start moving. Resist being defined by your age. Remember, there is no rule which says you have to tell people how old you are; whether consciously or unconsciously, people will make assumptions about you based on that number. However, if you remain true to yourself, do what you can, and stick with it, the only limitations holding you back will be the ones you put on yourself.

As a mother of three, an accomplished attorney and a sought-after yogini, I am here to tell you that it works, and I am available to share my strategies with you. To take that first step on your journey to lasting happiness, click here.

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