Lessons learned from talking to ourselves

Are we really hearing when people talk to us? Or do we just hear what we want to hear?

My younger sister often calls me during her long drives to and from work. The last time we spoke, I must have been going on and on about something when the call dropped and I did not notice. So I was having a conversation with her that she did not hear. It made me realize that when people talk, the conversation is often not about the other person until we’re seeking their approval.

I only noticed that my sister was no longer on the line with me because I was seeking affirmation – in this case social cues like really? or Aha! – otherwise it would feel to me as if I were speaking to myself.  But in this case maybe it wasn’t so bad that she missed what I was saying – she does have a tendency to hold my feet to the fire and undoubtedly would have asked her trademark “Are you practicing what you preach?”

I’ve written before about one of my teachers named Lester Levenson. Lester asserted that all of our thoughts culminate into 3 wants:

1. Approval
2. Control
3. Security

In other words, for everything a person wants to do, or avoid, one of these 3 wants is driving them. This inevitably leads to more self-talking and hopefully the age-old meditation: Who am I?

Having experimented with many meditation schools, I can say that very few people really meditate. Some people who like to use a mantra think they’re meditating, and it works for them, because in the process they quiet their minds and they find peace. The truth is that if you want to reach divinity, concentrating on chants and mantras is not the way because you’re using the mind to conquer the mind.

Meditation the spiritual way is instead about disinhibition, letting go of mind and living in the present moment, and nothing else…certainly not prepping for an argument with my husband! That is probably why I keep coming back to meditation, and it continues to improve my life in new ways.

So you see, talking to yourself like a friend is fine – but don’t forget that the best friends are the ones you can sit with in silence.

Have you ever closed your eyes and dared not to dream?

Soaring or Sinking, what’s your pick?

Part of being a coach is to be constantly learning new things. That’s what I was doing when I found myself being coached by another student at a continuing education class at New York University the other week.

We had to break into groups of two in which each member would coach the other one and vice versa. As I was enjoying the insights my partner pointed out in my life, the conversation took a different course.

Where do you find the time to do all that you do? You teach at Princeton Power Yoga at 5:30 am, you commute from Princeton to TriBeCa, you have your own law firm in the city, you coach, you have kids, how do you do all that?

That question I find to be quite profound because I had never sat down to think about me,  honestly. I coach people, and get them to reflect on every facet of their lives, yet I never sat down to see exactly why my practice seems to work, and why other people want to emulate me.

There’s only one thing that I can really see and the main thing that I’ve seen happen in my life is that burning passion that I have for every single thing that I do. Having passion inevitably transforms what I do into something of value. In other words, it’s not only helpful to me, but also for the other person. Who would wake up to be at a yoga class at 5:30 am for forty days with the same teacher? My answer is: Ask the 100+ students who have taken my classes in Princeton. For us, waking up at 5:30 am to do Yoga is really not a big deal.

Passion is not reserved for the Yoga studio. When I am doing bench presses or when I am in the courtroom, I am passionate. Additionally, I married a man who has always let me soar in every dimension. I play the game of Life with a passion for being successful, and I feel as entitled to achieve my dreams as any male colleague.

And it’s over-achievers whom I primarily coach. They may come see me if they are dissatisfied with their lives or they cannot connect with their true selves. They are looking for that missing ingredient and what I’m saying is that I can ignite that missing ingredient; I can come up with a coaching model that would really ignite that passion because every single individual has passion, just like peeling the layers of an onion, it’s like discovering your true self. Who are you? In reality?

“Everyone can rise above their circumstances and achieve success if they are dedicated to and passionate about what they do.”

–Nelson Mandela

Everyone can rise above their stature and achieve success, but how does one choose that success? I bring people to excavate, to uncover that thing which is missing, that one missing ingredient.

What are you missing?

Be the Light and Be Light

Nobody escapes from suffering. We all go through birth, illnesses, death.
But there is a way to live life free of suffering.
– Buddha

I recently had the pleasure of attending a life-altering experience thanks to the compassionate and kind people at the Dhamma Dhara Meditation Center in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts.

Led by accomplished  karma-yogi S. N. Goenka, the retreat was an exercise in letting go. Letting go of my phone, my journal, my books, my ego and my life. About 100 other people and I had come for a week of silence — we each took a vow of silence. On that first day I never could have guessed where this journey would take lead me.

Day #1

The employees at meditation center confiscated all distractions, starting with our cell phones. I likened it to a doctor washing his or her hands before an operation; I had to get rid of all of the potential pathogens that could infect my mind. And this was indeed surgery of the mind.

DAY #2

Day #2 was not good for me at all. I became tearful and I wept inconsolably. At the same time I experienced such a strong anger, anger at myself — for being too competitive and for not knowing what I was looking for.

What was I looking for?

Day #3

Day #2 was bad, but day #3 was extremely bad- bad beyond bad. Every single bone in my body ached from sitting for so long. Nevertheless, I did my duty and sat in silence while my mind was restless.

I found myself dreaming of ways to escape. Since I love to climb trees, I had thoughts of finding a good tree and jumping off of it to intentionally hurt myself. So I found the right tree and I started climbing. Once up there I realized how foolish it would be to hurt myself. What would I say to a student who wanted to hurt herself?

Obviously I had forgotten everything, all the tools that I teach, my coaching techniques, they all went down the toilet.

Day #4

Finally, I started coming to my senses. My unquiet thoughts started disappearing and I began to understand what the Vipassana method is; it is a technique of being totally aware and using breathing techniques as my guide. I decided I was going to learn the method and leave behind my knowledge of other schools and disciplines. I would get through this by being nothingness.

Day #5

As Goenkaji said, even when you’ve retired to your room, you can continue with the method. Well I started having dreams about my mother, my grandmother and all my relatives who I adore so much. I was basically continuing the method even in my sleep.

It was on the fifth day that I started feeling some healing in my body. This brought back memories of a dear friend who was fighting breast cancer (Spoiler alert: She won!). She said that during her chemo sessions she was able put her best foot forward because she knew that there is a higher power that heals.

If I had to choose one word to describe Day #5, it would be “Fabulous.”

Day #6

Day #6 was just OK. Half good and half bad. I confronted many feelings that day, not all of them pleasant. I got to thinking about my three sons and how I might have done some things differently. I felt like I may have created unnecessary suffering for my boys, that I failed them in some sense and that’s when the tears came back.

Day #7 and Day #8 were wonderful. Total bliss.

I did however, begin to experience anxiety because it was almost time to go back home. I didn’t want it to end. I had forgotten my life, my kids, my spouse, my job and who I was exactly. I just wanted to stay in that place and just do nothing and be nothing because being nothing feels so good.

And on the last day when we were finally allowed to talk I heard people say “Oh my god, I did it!” But I still didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to remain that quiet — at least until another student told me that I had been her source of inspiration! No wonder I love teaching so much.

Getting back to that life I led before attending this retreat wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, especially when my husband and youngest son greeted me with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. It was Mother’s Day and I was totally present for it.

Oh my god, I thought, every single person should have this experience.

Being Pro-Choice does not necessarily involve politics…

What is consciousness?

Over the ages, humankind’s tendency towards introspection and self-awareness has led our collective consciousness to dwell on the nature of each of our own “individual” consciousnesses. It is a mystery that has entertained the minds of great men and women since antiquity, but great strides are being made today thanks to the unprecedented fusion of different religions and philosophies.

As a Yogini, I work in the trenches with consciousness every day. My job is to help my students tend to their mind, body and spirit. Before each class, I pray my students will reach the highest levels of human consciousness and I can’t help but feel my prayers get answered in every class.

Since my students intend to be loving and kind, I tell them that it begins with envisioning the invisible: loving kindness. There is an old saying, I tell them, “You become what you think about.” If a person wants to be of Love, they must first know Love.

That’s because everything that happens to a person, happens in their consciousness – both figuratively and literally! All of science’s brightest ideas to explain the universe and its many wonders started as seeds in the consciousness of a curious spirit.

Ok…so I’ll repeat: What is consciousness?

I believe that consciousness is the collective experience of all humankind. When I sit down to meditate, there’s nothing but me and you, you and me; we happen to be at different points in our “being-ness,” but we all have passports to go where we choose in the continent of consciousness.

Your relationship with your Self is the key to your mobility; if you don’t love yourself, you will never be able to love someone else.  By the grace of God, or the universe, or whatever one believes, the ability to choose to love is possible.

I often tell my students that meditation is an excellent way to start their journey. Letting the clutter and muddy water of your mind settle will reveal untold treasures within, I tell them – thoughts might  be hard to shake at first, but one is not one’s thoughts. If something negative surfaces, one can let it go just as easily with neither attachment nor aversion. So what is consciousness?

It is what it is.

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

Breathing in Sedona

Earlier this month I made a sort of pilgrimage out to Sedona, Arizona. I went to attend a retreat with my friends who, like me, have been profoundly touched by the teachings of Lester Levenson. The retreat was hosted at the beautiful Sedona Mago Retreat, in plain view of the area’s legendary Red Rocks.

Lester Levenson was a physicist and engineer who, in 1952, came out with a philosophy that was way ahead of its time. Two realizations inspired him:

• He realized his own feelings were the cause of all his problems – not other people or unfair situations, as he had previously thought.

• He also realized his feelings were the main obstacles he had struggled against for so long. He saw that this struggle is what destroyed his health and caused him to suffer in every way.

In between workshops where I learned more about the Release Technique that was inspired by Lester’s teachings, I wandered the grounds of the resort. My cell phone didn’t work, and I was just fine with that; I stumbled upon the Healing Garden knowing that New York City would not be able to reach across the continent and remind me that I am Denise Bonnaig, Esq.

Alone, I sat down in the garden to meditate. My practice is to take 108 deep breaths to quiet my mind. With my closed my eyes, my completely relaxed body, and my mind still. I began to let go of sentences, words and thoughts, and I became profoundly aware that this journey was shaping up to be unlike any other I had taken before.

I could literally feel the energy vibrating in my fingertips and toes. My entire body just surrendered. That emptiness, that nothingness, created a sense of amazing love and brought me to the intention that I have had since the beginning of this year: Letting go of all my non-loving feelings. I found myself in a place where I didn’t feel my body.

And then I had the deeper realization that chasing anything will not get you anywhere.

I stayed there for 45 minutes. Near the end of this amazing session, I was struck by a vision. My long-gone grandmother appeared before me and she was standing next to Lester Levenson. They didn’t say anything, but the vision of them standing together touched me like nothing ever has before.

I left Sedona fortified and recharged, which is good considering the Spring we have been having in New York. But I won’t chase those sunny days. I have other places to be.

 

 

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

A Little Spiritual Algebra

Taking responsibility for everything that happens to you is an awesome idea. If you want to improve your Self, you must blame yourself for more of the bad things that happen to you. “Doesn’t that go against everything I have ever learned about improving myself?” you might ask. Well, let me tell you how I came to that conclusion.

Earlier this month I took one of those life-sustaining winter vacations out of cold New York and into the tropics. My destination was Oahu, Hawaii, where I was set to attend the Wanderlust Festival of music and Yoga, which was co-founded by my teacher Schuyler Grant. I also got a chance to catch up with my other teacher and mentor, Baron Baptiste.

It was when I was relaxing on the beach during some down time that I finally, really, noticed the ocean. Pulsating and vibrant like a community, it went from being a really large amount of salty water to millions of unique waves who just happened to be traveling with one another. Some were bigger and took up more space, but there weren’t any quarrels or wars. They were at peace – and so much peace is abundant in the ocean – so much, you can choose to take as much as you want with you.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-Lao Tzu

This meditation on the sea had a dissolving effect on the accumulated tightness in my muscles and my mind. Is everybody on the beach enjoying this as much as I am? I wondered. I realized my perspective is unique only to me and it is always within my power to change perspective – so in a sense, it was possible to take responsibility for everything I witness. If I “blamed” myself, then I could fix myself. A little spiritual algebra.

If you are in a relationship and there are things that are not working in that relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship or a friend, whatever it is, you can assume responsibility for the situation, even if it is not your “fault.” The real reason these things are happening is me…an unlikely mantra but one to consider.

As a welcome byproduct, you will find yourself inspired to go about things differently. You will put yourself in charge of your life instead of doing a lot of blaming and claiming. Your intuition will guide you to the things that make you feel good and and if something or someone bothers you, you will have a safe and speedy way of processing it.

And now you see how blaming yourself for everything that happens to you can be a perfectly healthy thing to do.

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

Reset. Rejoice. Repeat.

One of my greatest pleasures in being a yogini is the ability to travel the world meeting people from all age groups and all walks of life. I frequently find myself in the company of young people who remind me of myself – when I was just starting to learn my way around a Yoga studio.

I call those days my my boxing days because not only was I boxing in the gym, but I was fighting with life itself. Back then I considered meditation to be an abstract, religious practice available only to the few who have the patience for it. I was content to derive pleasure from material things like the Porsche I so obviously needed. What I didn’t realize is that getting pleasure from an object is a double-edged sword; while material things can deliver intense pleasure quickly, it is just as easy to get cut by the ensuing crash.

The overarching characteristic of meditation is self-love. Self-love means not beating yourself up and, in fact, being compassionate towards other people. We humans are beings that crave the wellness of others in addition to our own. Some styles of meditation focus on breathing while others focus on the recitation of mantras, but the main tenet of most styles of meditation is the concept of “resetting” the mind. That is, through controlled breathing or chanting, or both, the clutter in our minds falls out of focus and the present moment becomes clear. This simple lesson can be applied to every aspect of life.

For example, the folks on Madison Avenue feed the world a steady diet of fashion and engineered beauty, images designed to stir up feelings of envy and poor self-worth. These feelings reside in the subconscious, so primal that it is difficult to describe them with words. One lesson from meditation that can be applied here is the idea of living in the now. All we have to do is make the decision to get on with our lives in the present moment and keep thinking of the present moment. In other words, keep hitting the reset button.

As we zoom out of our most basic emotions, feelings too basic for words, we can take focus on the sentences we form in our heads to express these feelings. At this level of the mind the clutter gets thick with insults, arguments and half-constructed sentences churning in the flotsam. How great it would be to find a method of expelling these cynical interlopers! One way to combat a string of unpleasant words floating around in your mind is to make the decision to repeat words of love. This can be in the form of an ancient mantra or something you just thought up. Either way, your negative thoughts will be neutralized, and you can carry on anew.

If we continue to zoom out we can see ourselves interact with other people. People who gossip, people who need to feed their egos by denigrating others, people who feel wrong about themselves and so are determined to prove other people wrong. How can a person counter such negativity? Love. If you are in the vicinity of a toxic person, imagine an ocean of love pouring down on top of them. If you can imagine loving someone who is a challenge to love, your own negative feelings will become outdated and inconsequential. Your heart will be reset and ready for compassion instead of contempt.

The theme is a simple one: Your mind is tough enough to overcome the obstacles you have in your daily life. Just be ok with yourself and outside forces will seem small to you.

And when each of my students comes to this understanding, I share with them my secret: Teaching this to my students is my favorite reset button of all time.

Denise K. Bonnaig
Authentique Coaching
dkbonnaig@gmail.com
(212) 374-1511

Snores and Mirrors

In my last post I talked about that great usurper we call Fear. This week I’d like to turn my attention to something called Resistance. What do I mean by Resistance?

For me, Resistance occurs when something bothers me in another person or situation, something I don’t like or something I don’t agree with. As an attorney, this is something I must deal with every day. I have come to realize that in the courts there are three sides to every story – my side, your side and the truth. I don’t personalize that kind of resistance because it is part of the trade.

The kind of resistance one encounters in personal relationships is much more difficult to ignore. That’s because the bothersome things we see in other people are present in every one of us – otherwise we would not know what we are looking at! We can either choose to resist that which bothers us or give ourselves the freedom to love it.

Let’s take the case of how I grew to love my husband’s snoring as an example. For years I would despair as my deepest slumbers were rudely shattered by the sound that emanated from my husband’s nostrils every night. I just could not sleep through it. I would become angry and because I was angry, I would feel like I needed to react, and what was my reaction? Waking him, pushing him, elbowing him and calling him names. Of course none of that helped and he kept snoring away.

Who was suffering? Me.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at
someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Now that I have discovered the benefits of Yoga and its philosophy, now that I have meditated on mountain tops and practiced asanas in the rain, how do I deal with a snoring man in the bed now?

Love. Love is the antidote to resistance. Love enabled me to accept the reality that my husband snores. People snore. It dawned on me that snoring is not any easy thing to change and it is a part of who my husband is.

How misguided I was to think I could grant or deny him permission to be who he is. I decided to accept the snoring and then go beyond the acceptance and love it, because I love my husband. Besides, whenever I point my finger at my husband, how can I ignore the three that are pointing back at me?

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
– Buddha

And guess what? I don’t hear snoring anymore…unless it comes from me!

Denise K. Bonnaig
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

 

A Flu Shot for the Mind

Science has extended our physical lives through discoveries about exercise and diet, even going so far as to eradicate smallpox from the world. But while vaccines and antibiotics ensure our physical longevity, what can we do to inoculate our souls against the challenges we face in our day-to-day living?

We can literally, do nothing; stillness is the cardio of our minds. The act of mindfulness, of being aware of your thoughts in the present moment, is like being aware of your blood pressure or pulse. It alerts us as to what we need to work on, and provides us with insights as to the nature of our selves.

“The way to do is to be.”

– Lao Tzu

I like to “be” by incorporating the practice of yoga and mindfulness in whatever I do. We may not have the luxury of living in caves and meditating all day, but even the busiest person can reserve 20 minutes out of his or her day to do so. I was recently reminded of an old Zen adage which proves that the problems of today are the same as the problems humanity faced centuries ago:

“You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day—unless you’re too busy; then you should sit for an hour.”

“Do your duty, Arjuna.”

 Krishna to Arjuna, Bhagavad-Gita

The duty of humanity is to shed our divisive past in favor of Love. Love is the essential healing force in a chaotic world filled with alarm clocks, endless meetings and deadlines. However, if we do our duty to ourselves and do the best job we can, our minds will not be self-critical. One’s ego will no longer criticize him or her for not doing enough or not being good enough. So Love is like a flu shot for the mind, preventing us from getting sick with regrets and second thoughts. It allows us to nip our regrets in the bud – which quiets the mind, in addition to calming our bodies.

There’s no wrong way of doing this. All it requires is having the courage to make the decision to open the door to Love for ourselves, and the audacity to reject the non-loving feelings that taint our hearts.  It’s a way of giving approval to ourselves. It’s a way of accepting who we are with whatever is working well in our lives at that particular moment. Right now I’m sitting. I’m grateful for that. Whatever is not working well, I’m still grateful for it. I’m grateful for the lessons that I may learn from that.  I’m still grateful for the opportunity to do something else.

“To love is to recognize yourself in another.”

Eckhart Tolle

As a coach, I share with my clients strategies to vaccinate themselves against non-loving feelings – in other words, we build an immunity against self-defeating thoughts, laying the groundwork for prevention rather than just sticking a band aid on the problem.

Contact me today to find out more.

Authentique Coaching
Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
(212) 374-1511
25 Murray Street
New York, NY 10007
denise@authentiquecoaching.com

Memories of Meditation and Mindfulness

All of man’s difficulties are caused by his inability to sit, quietly, in a room by himself.
–Blaise Pascal

Back in 2005 I was at a Baron Baptiste Power Yoga event in Rhinebeck, New York. During the lunch break, I saw there was another group sharing the venue with us. There were so many of them, and they all ate their lunch in silence! I eventually got to talk with a few of them and I asked what they were doing there. They were attending a Mindfulness Meditation retreat led by a medical doctor named Jon Kabat-Zinn. They recommended that I check out his book Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World through Mindfulness.

I rushed to the bookstore and devoured the book. I later learned that Mr. Kabat-Zinn would be doing a book-signing at the bookstore that evening, and I decided I must go and meet the man. I stood on the line for over an hour, with the book in hand and full of emotion. When I finally got to meet him, even though the line was long, he spent some time with me.

I told him that I practiced yoga but I had trouble with the resting pose. I said “I am just restless, I think I feel like I’m wasting my time. I want to work out, not just sit there.” He listened to me, encouraged me, and personalized my book, writing “May this be the door in,” in addition to the stamp he imprinted on everyone’s books: May your mindfulness practice grow and flower and nourish your life from moment to moment and from day to day. It was just so beautiful. That was back in May, 2005. And that’s when I truly started to meditate.

Be – don’t try to become.
– Osho

If you ask me now, seven years later, “What is the meaning of meditation?” I would just say it’s the art of quieting the mind. But how is that possible? Scientists say we have 6,000 thoughts a day, so how can we eliminate those thoughts? What I suggest to my students is that once you sit in meditation, all you need to do is check in with your Self, with the present, with what is happening now.

At first it might not be easy. My very first meditation when sitting down was really painful. My nose itched, I was restless, I was aching and my mind kept wandering on and on. Why was that happening? It was happening because I was pretty much results-oriented. In order to do something, I needed to know where it would lead to. I needed some specific results. I felt that just sitting down and doing nothing was such a waste of time. That’s how ignorant I used to be.

It’s not so much about doing as about being.
– Jon Kabat-Zinn

In stillness there is really no thinking. Thoughts evaporate because they become meaningless to you – no matter what those thoughts are. Non-duality is so important because our world is the world of contradictions. Black, white. Good, bad. Beautiful, ugly. I meditate to get away from that and the independence I achieve brings me to a oneness, and from oneness to non-limitations, and from non-limitations to abundance everywhere.

Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.
– Eckhart Tolle

Like everyone else, sometimes I am faced with outrageous tuition to pay or other devastating bills, and I always find my solution by meditating. “How am I going to pay that bill?” I ask myself, in a non-judgmental way. I say yes to it. I love the bill and I’m OK with it. Guess what? Somehow I’ll get the funds to pay. I’m going to make that tuition. I’m going to do this and pay it all. Somehow I will find the funds. I know that I always come up with it. Whatever it is.

Meditation to me is priceless. If I don’t meditate first thing in the morning, I won’t get out of my bed.

If every 8-year-old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation.
-Dalai Lama

How do we get to that point? You have to say to yourself that meditation is something that is very, very important – not just to you, but for the world. It requires some discipline. It can’t be, “Oh I’ll do that once in awhile.” Just like the muddy water in a puddle needs time to settle before the water become clear, you have to let your practice of meditation take its course to settle your reckless thoughts, consistently, for a long time.

And that’s where my coaching comes in. Because if your mind is full of clutter, if you have so many nagging things from the past, that are haunting you, if you’re not living in the now, in the present moment, how can you find stillness?

Through release techniques, through rebooting your mental “operating system”, you and I will quiet the turbulent waters and let the mud settle down until there is nothing but you – on top of all your problems.

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