Lessons learned from talking to ourselves

Are we really hearing when people talk to us? Or do we just hear what we want to hear?

My younger sister often calls me during her long drives to and from work. The last time we spoke, I must have been going on and on about something when the call dropped and I did not notice. So I was having a conversation with her that she did not hear. It made me realize that when people talk, the conversation is often not about the other person until we’re seeking their approval.

I only noticed that my sister was no longer on the line with me because I was seeking affirmation – in this case social cues like really? or Aha! – otherwise it would feel to me as if I were speaking to myself.  But in this case maybe it wasn’t so bad that she missed what I was saying – she does have a tendency to hold my feet to the fire and undoubtedly would have asked her trademark “Are you practicing what you preach?”

I’ve written before about one of my teachers named Lester Levenson. Lester asserted that all of our thoughts culminate into 3 wants:

1. Approval
2. Control
3. Security

In other words, for everything a person wants to do, or avoid, one of these 3 wants is driving them. This inevitably leads to more self-talking and hopefully the age-old meditation: Who am I?

Having experimented with many meditation schools, I can say that very few people really meditate. Some people who like to use a mantra think they’re meditating, and it works for them, because in the process they quiet their minds and they find peace. The truth is that if you want to reach divinity, concentrating on chants and mantras is not the way because you’re using the mind to conquer the mind.

Meditation the spiritual way is instead about disinhibition, letting go of mind and living in the present moment, and nothing else…certainly not prepping for an argument with my husband! That is probably why I keep coming back to meditation, and it continues to improve my life in new ways.

So you see, talking to yourself like a friend is fine – but don’t forget that the best friends are the ones you can sit with in silence.

Have you ever closed your eyes and dared not to dream?

Your Children Are Not Yours

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s yearning for itself.
They come through you but are not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

– From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

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When I read this poem I knew I had to share it. It seems that all around me I see parents not letting go of their children when the time has come. It’s an unhealthy attachment, one that is ages old. Described in Buddhism as Upādāna, attachment takes four intertwined forms:

• sense-pleasure (kamupadana) : Pleasure from our senses

• wrong-view (ditthupadana) : Clinging to false theories and forming speculative theories

• rites-and-rituals (silabbatupadana) : Eager indulging into rituals and ritual practices

• self-doctrine (attavadupadana) : Greed arising from the idea that we are eternal, that we exist by ourselves
  – Wikipedia

Parental attachment often rises out of fear. What I hear about most from parents is the fear that their child is not going to make it in life, that their child will become a drug user or dropout. Unfortunately, attachment clouds objectivity, and some parents never see just how mature their kids have become on their own.

Living your life without any attachment to the things you like – or aversion to the things you don’t like – helps attain a sense of freedom and happiness, absent of judgement. There is pride and joy when kids figure something out on their own. As a result, children who have a “helicopter” mom or dad doing everything for them will suffer in college.

Helicopter Parent: A parent who is involved in every aspect of a child’s life, especially school. Their own kids often describe them as hovering over them like a helicopter.

So relax a little. Everything around you may be in flux, but you still have to breathe. When you sit comfortably and start to observe your breath, you become an observer. You can be the same type of observer of your kids. But that doesn’t mean inaction. If your child is not doing well, you still need to get to the root of the problem. And that’s where coaching comes in.

Love

The other day I got inspired by a thought: Have I ever had to explain what Love is to someone? Whenever I say “I love you” to someone they seem to understand what I mean. So I tried to imagine explaining the concept of Love to a child who hadn’t yet figured it out. If we look In the dictionary we see that Love can be a noun, verb or adjective.

Love (n, v, adj) refers to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that range from interpersonal affection (“I love my mother”) to pleasure (“I loved that meal”).

I could also turn to the musical Les Misérables for an answer. As the main character Jean Valjean succumbs to an illness there is a point where all music and singing stop, and the theatre is filled with silence…until the chorus sings the following words:

To love another person is to see the face of God.

Over the years I’ve encountered some people that define Love not by how it feels, but how it feels to live without it. They often do not love themselves, and that fundamentally affects the interactions they have with other people. People stuck in a “funk” of non-loving feelings project them outward, and invariably those destructive emotions ricochet right back at them.

Every person you meet is a mirror.

If you put love in other people, that is what you will get back. But what should people do if they look in the mirror and they don’t see love? In my coaching practice I have seen many breakthroughs arise from performing a simple exercise called stream of consciousness exploration. In order to explore our subconscious it often helps to sit down with a piece of paper and a pen, and write everything that comes to mind about a certain word or concept –  in this case, “Love.”

The process encourages connections between the different experiences and preconceived notions you may have about Love. Eventually you will realize that Love is not an emotion, but a state of being – a way of life.

And why not start that new way of life with a box of chocolates? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Legends Live On

My first hint that something was not quite right was when my husband left a voicemail for me in the middle of the work day. I was going to call him back when I saw the reason he called me on the web: Mandela had died.

It was just a week earlier that I had asked my employee Mahima if she had heard any news about Mandela’s condition.

It’s awe-inspiring how great leaders can influence so many. Legends like Mandela are more than just people; they are almost transcendent in their wisdom and foresight. In Mandela’s case, wisdom beyond his years led him through his suffering without ever giving up the same dignity and compassion he was demanding for every single person on this earth.

When Nelson Mandela took back his freedom and made his first trip to the US, I was working for a law firm with ties to him. I was given the opportunity to see him speak at Yankee Stadium along with my colleagues. There were cocktails and celebrities like Oprah, Toni Morrison and Phil Donahue…but the real attraction was the man who spent 27 years in jail on trumped up charges based on despicable, inhumane laws…and was standing before us full of forgiveness and devoid of bitterness.

While Mandela’s resolve ultimately led to the end of that vicious system of Apartheid, I sat at the sidelines and just observed what happened. What could I do? And how could I bring others to do something with me?

Perhaps you and I can be more like Mandela if we draw inspiration from some of the same places as he did, as in this short yet powerful poem by William Ernest Henley:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years.
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Say “Yes!” To Life

I am lucky to be one of the many thousands of students who have been uplifted by the teachings of karma yogi SN Goenka. I wrote about my experience meeting Master Goenka earlier this month.

I’m glad I did.

On September 29, 2013, my most accomplished yogi  gave up his body, no doubt to help other souls on their journey to enlightenment.

Since his passing, I have been thinking about this experience we all share – the splendor of being alive. Buddha taught that life is suffering, and I am here to say “Yes.”

Yes to illness, yes to the job that we fear, yes to whatever keeps us up at night. The source of your suffering might be a relationship; financial problems; losing a job or the death of a loved one, but whatever it is, say “YES!” as we head into the holidays this year.

We’ll all be reminded of family members who will not be seated at the table with us because they have passed on. My own father passed 20 years ago. Even the family members who break bread and wishbones with us this year live a life that is rapidly fleeting, just like yours and mine.

But learning to say “Yes” to the impermanence of the people you love this year, during the holiday season, will help you to enjoy their company so much more. Forget about what they should have done, or could have done. Say yes to their so called “mistakes,” and accept them unconditionally. Because it is all too easy to lose ourselves in our technology, to multitask instead of having real conversations. To seek out every possible distraction from the temporary nature of our lives, whether it be fixating on a smartphone or looking at the TV while someone is talking to us.

Those big jets that take us to the places we are from, that’s the only technology we need.

You Are Not Your Age

If your body is going to age, does your mind have to age as well? Who said your body and mind even have to age?

Age, as we define it, is just a number. When we meet strangers, they can only guess how old we are. Yet we give such importance to every year, every month of our own age. Even though we really do not feel any different, we’re almost forced to feel different on our birthdays. According to Albert Einstein’s work, a body in motion ages less. It’s not a coincidence, then, that I call myself a “coach”; My job is to keep you moving and to keep you young.

Yoga is an excellent way to keep a body in motion. My practice of Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga strengthens muscles, enhances flexibility and increases endurance. At my yoga classes, boot camps and retreats, I have personally witnessed astounding transformations in my students – just by bringing their bodies and minds closer together. Arms, legs, hands, feet…they have no idea what “43” or “57” is.

It is just as important to nourish our spirits as it is to nourish our bodies. At Authentique Coaching, I work with coachees to tailor successful plans to surmount the various traps and stalemates of modern life. The human spirit yearns for loving feelings, and I will show you how love can interrupt the self-defeating thoughts of an exhausted mind. Changing your thoughts is the only way to change your destiny. Throughout your journey to a lasting happiness you will find that history’s greatest thinkers owed their success to unleashing the power of the subconscious mind. If you are full of thoughts like “I can’t do this” or “I can’t afford that,” then your subconscious mind will take you at your word and ensure that you do not have the ability or money to live as you choose.

If you allow me to, I will demonstrate that happiness isn’t found in winning a conflict or obtaining more money, but rather within yourself. To free your ageless spirit, we’ll first put it to work by letting go of your past. When you let go of your past, you become hootless, where no bad memories or sense of doom ever bothers you.

Every journey starts with the first step. Whether you are 30, 50 or 70, it’s never too late to start moving. Resist being defined by your age. Remember, there is no rule which says you have to tell people how old you are; whether consciously or unconsciously, people will make assumptions about you based on that number. However, if you remain true to yourself, do what you can, and stick with it, the only limitations holding you back will be the ones you put on yourself.

As a mother of three, an accomplished attorney and a sought-after yogini, I am here to tell you that it works, and I am available to share my strategies with you. To take that first step on your journey to lasting happiness, click here.

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Forgiveness

I often hear from coachees: I feel like I’m punch-drunk from growing up with my parents. When will I forget my childhood?

When you come to me with your boxing gloves on, fresh from a battle with life, it might be difficult for you to see that your gloves are actually removable. They may have served you very well, protecting you from the hard, often hostile world around you. As a retired “boxer” I’m here to tell you there’s an easier way.

During our childhoods we develop a storyline that becomes our “operating program”. This is the program that will parse out our lives, feeding us instructions and processing  the way we interact with ourselves and other people. Any sort of abuse or neglect which occurred to us as children has a way of embedding itself deep in our hearts and subconscious minds. Unfortunately, more often than not, we do not realize we are carrying these non-loving feelings around with us. (more…)

Coaching, The Natural Thing to Do, And Why It Works

Before embarking on my own self discovery, and the self inquiry process that led to my personal transformation, I was one of those “bring it on” types. I was going to box my way through life, no matter what. And to make sure that I got the proper training, I went to the gym daily, sometimes twice a day and took boxing classes, pumped iron, and ran 40 miles per week while my mind also sprinted through my to do list. There was no time to waste!

Then there was the three hour daily commute filled, as you can imagine, with more checklists and charts, and only lifting my head once in a while to cast a stern look on those people who sat idle letting life pass them by. Elbowing my way through trains and subways, I would get to my office and face my work with the same mantra: Come on girl, come on girl, you can do it, just keep punching, keep hitting, hit harder! That’s a girl!

Late at night, as I laid down, I could see the next day and its load peering at me. It was all about teeth grinding, but I thought this was the only way to live.

• I did not know that the gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach could vanish.
• I did not know I could feel lightness as I glided through my day.
• I did not know that imperturbability could become a way of life.
• I did not know that I could have, be, and do what I chose, when I chose.

Over the years, I have explored and uncovered techniques and strategies that have transformed the lives of many clients and hundreds of attendees to my workshops, boot camps, and retreats. And let me tell you something: they work!

Indeed, I witness my clients transform chaotic lives into happy, effortless, abundant and successful lives, based on my creating a customized blend of spirituality and strategy for them. As I often say to participants, you don’t have to believe what I say, you can check it out for yourself

The strategies I share have worked, and continue to work for me, and others. I have used them through illness. I use them with my three sons and can already see how two of them who are medical doctors apply those strategies to their practice. I have used them to face the thousands of documents I have to read for my court briefs with a grace, and alacrity I could never have imagined. I use them in my relationship with my husband of 30 years, and in all my relationships.

We are the architects of our lives.

Freedom is there for us to grab.

Would you like to take off the boxing gloves? I would love to hear from you and share stories that my clients tell me. Feel free to leave a comment in the box below.

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