Authentique Coaching

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Lessons learned from talking to ourselves

Are we really hearing when people talk to us? Or do we just hear what we want to hear?

Authentique Coaching | Denise Bonnaig, Esq.

Mount Kailash

My younger sister often calls me during her long drives to and from work. The last time we spoke, I must have been going on and on about something when the call dropped and I did not notice. So I was having a conversation with her that she did not hear. It made me realize that when people talk, the conversation is often not about the other person until we’re seeking their approval.

I only noticed that my sister was no longer on the line with me because I was seeking affirmation – in this case social cues like really? or Aha! – otherwise it would feel to me as if I were speaking to myself.  But in this case maybe it wasn’t so bad that she missed what I was saying – she does have a tendency to hold my feet to the fire and undoubtedly would have asked her trademark “Are you practicing what you preach?”

I’ve written before about one of my teachers named Lester Levenson. Lester asserted that all of our thoughts culminate into 3 wants:

  1. Approval
  2. Control
  3. Security

In other words, for everything a person wants to do, or avoid, one of these 3 wants is driving them. This inevitably leads to more self-talking and hopefully the age-old meditation: Who am I?

Having experimented with many meditation schools, I can say that very few people really meditate. Some people who like to use a mantra think they’re meditating, and it works for them, because in the process they quiet their minds and they find peace. The truth is that if you want to reach divinity, concentrating on chants and mantras is not the way because you’re using the mind to conquer the mind.

Meditation the spiritual way is instead about disinhibition, letting go of mind and living in the present moment, and nothing else…certainly not prepping for an argument with my husband! That is probably why I keep coming back to meditation, and it continues to improve my life in new ways.

So you see, talking to yourself like a friend is fine – but don’t forget that the best friends are the ones you can sit with in silence.

Have you ever closed your eyes and dared not to dream?

Soaring or Sinking, what’s your pick?

800px-Sun_rise_at_CuaLoPart of being a coach is to be constantly learning new things. That’s what I was doing when I found myself being coached by another student at a continuing education class at New York University the other week.

We had to break into groups of two in which each member would coach the other one and vice versa. As I was enjoying the insights my partner pointed out in my life, the conversation took a different course.

Where do you find the time to do all that you do? You teach at Princeton Power Yoga at 5:30 am, you commute from Princeton to TriBeCa, you have your own law firm in the city, you coach, you have kids, how do you do all that?

That question I find to be quite profound because I had never sat down to think about me,  honestly. I coach people, and get them to reflect on every facet of their lives, yet I never sat down to see exactly why my practice seems to work, and why other people want to emulate me.

There’s only one thing that I can really see and the main thing that I’ve seen happen in my life is that burning passion that I have for every single thing that I do. Having passion inevitably transforms what I do into something of value. In other words, it’s not only helpful to me, but also for the other person. Who would wake up to be at a yoga class at 5:30 am for forty days with the same teacher? My answer is: Ask the 100+ students who have taken my classes in Princeton. For us, waking up at 5:30 am to do Yoga is really not a big deal.

Passion is not reserved for the Yoga studio. When I am doing bench presses or when I am in the courtroom, I am passionate. Additionally, I married a man who has always let me soar in every dimension. I play the game of Life with a passion for being successful, and I feel as entitled to achieve my dreams as any male colleague.

And it’s over-achievers whom I primarily coach. They may come see me if they are dissatisfied with their lives or they cannot connect with their true selves. They are looking for that missing ingredient and what I’m saying is that I can ignite that missing ingredient; I can come up with a coaching model that would really ignite that passion because every single individual has passion, just like peeling the layers of an onion, it’s like discovering your true self. Who are you? In reality?

800px-Dawn_Sky“Everyone can rise above their circumstances and achieve success if they are dedicated to and passionate about what they do.”

Nelson Mandela

Everyone can rise above their stature and achieve success, but how does one choose that success? I bring people to excavate, to uncover that thing which is missing, that one missing ingredient.

What are you missing?

A Flu Shot for the Mind

Denise Bonnaig, Esq. | Flu Shot for the MindScience has extended our physical lives through discoveries about exercise and diet, even going so far as to eradicate smallpox from the world. But while vaccines and antibiotics ensure our physical longevity, what can we do to inoculate our souls against the challenges we face in our day-to-day living?

We can literally, do nothing; stillness is the cardio of our minds. The act of mindfulness, of being aware of your thoughts in the present moment, is like being aware of your blood pressure or pulse. It alerts us as to what we need to work on, and provides us with insights as to the nature of our selves.

“The way to do is to be.”

– Lao Tzu

I like to “be” by incorporating the practice of yoga and mindfulness in whatever I do. We may not have the luxury of living in caves and meditating all day, but even the busiest person can reserve 20 minutes out of his or her day to do so. I was recently reminded of an old Zen adage which proves that the problems of today are the same as the problems humanity faced centuries ago:

“You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day—unless you’re too busy; then you should sit for an hour.”

Denise Bonnaig | Authentique Coaching

“Do your duty, Arjuna.”

 Krishna to Arjuna, Bhagavad-Gita

The duty of humanity is to shed our divisive past in favor of Love. Love is the essential healing force in a chaotic world filled with alarm clocks, endless meetings and deadlines. However, if we do our duty to ourselves and do the best job we can, our minds will not be self-critical. One’s ego will no longer criticize him or her for not doing enough or not being good enough. So Love is like a flu shot for the mind, preventing us from getting sick with regrets and second thoughts. It allows us to nip our regrets in the bud – which quiets the mind, in addition to calming our bodies.

There’s no wrong way of doing this. All it requires is having the courage to make the decision to open the door to Love for ourselves, and the audacity to reject the non-loving feelings that taint our hearts.  It’s a way of giving approval to ourselves. It’s a way of accepting who we are with whatever is working well in our lives at that particular moment. Right now I’m sitting. I’m grateful for that. Whatever is not working well, I’m still grateful for it. I’m grateful for the lessons that I may learn from that.  I’m still grateful for the opportunity to do something else.

“To love is to recognize yourself in another.”

Eckhart Tolle


As a coach, I share with my clients strategies to vaccinate themselves against non-loving feelings – in other words, we build an immunity against self-defeating thoughts, laying the groundwork for prevention rather than just sticking a band aid on the problem.

Contact me today to find out more.

Authentique Coaching
Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
(212) 374-1511
25 Murray Street
New York, NY 10007
denise@authentiquecoaching.com