Authentique Coaching

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Snores and Mirrors

Denise Bonnaig, Authentique Coaching, Snores and Mirrors In my last post I talked about that great usurper we call Fear. This week I’d like to turn my attention to something called Resistance. What do I mean by Resistance?

For me, Resistance occurs when something bothers me in another person or situation, something I don’t like or something I don’t agree with. As an attorney, this is something I must deal with every day. I have come to realize that in the courts there are three sides to every story – my side, your side and the truth. I don’t personalize that kind of resistance because it is part of the trade.

The kind of resistance one encounters in personal relationships is much more difficult to ignore. That’s because the bothersome things we see in other people are present in every one of us – otherwise we would not know what we are looking at! We can either choose to resist that which bothers us or give ourselves the freedom to love it.

Let’s take the case of how I grew to love my husband’s snoring as an example. For years I would despair as my deepest slumbers were rudely shattered by the sound that emanated from my husband’s nostrils every night. I just could not sleep through it. I would become angry and because I was angry, I would feel like I needed to react, and what was my reaction? Waking him, pushing him, elbowing him and calling him names. Of course none of that helped and he kept snoring away.

Who was suffering? Me.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at
someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Now that I have discovered the benefits of Yoga and its philosophy, now that I have meditated on mountain tops and practiced asanas in the rain, how do I deal with a snoring man in the bed now?

Love. Love is the antidote to resistance. Love enabled me to accept the reality that my husband snores. People snore. It dawned on me that snoring is not any easy thing to change and it is a part of who my husband is.

How misguided I was to think I could grant or deny him permission to be who he is. I decided to accept the snoring and then go beyond the acceptance and love it, because I love my husband. Besides, whenever I point my finger at my husband, how can I ignore the three that are pointing back at me?

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
– Buddha

And guess what? I don’t hear snoring anymore…unless it comes from me!

Bonnaig - pB - Headshot - NC - Jan 18 2013Denise K. Bonnaig
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

 

From Fear to Freedom

Dead Tree DesertNon-loving feelings are like rogue waves in the ocean. Appearing out of nowhere and swelling to enormous proportions, they take away our breath and toss us around until we lose track of which way is up.

As Hafiz wrote centuries ago, there are consequences to these destructive forces:

 

Selections from I Know The Way You Can Get

ihafez0001p1

Hafiz

O, I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

—–

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,

Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.
You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.
– Selections from I Know The Way You Can Get

To me, fear is the most insidious non-loving feeling of all. Fear of death, fear of financial ruin, fear of not looking good enough – it springs from the mind like a predator pouncing on its prey, beguiling us into believing that there is such a thing as failure. In reality, you cannot take a picture of fear or feel the texture of failure because they don’t exist outside of the mind. Whenever you feel fear, remember that your mind is creating it and remember that what you think is what you get.

Do the thing you fear most, and the death of fear is certain.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to reach a state of quiet confidence filled with Love where nothing can bother us, we must change our minds, not simply our behavior. If you begin to detach yourself from your mind, you also begin to detach yourself from these non-loving feelings.

I have found that can be as simple as remembering to be authentic.

That means loving who you already are and not caring if you look good walking down the street or if you look silly slipping on a patch of ice. Someone who is authentic is comfortable in her own skin, because she knows it’s the only skin that she will ever have.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved 
for what you are not.
―André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Q: How can I rid myself of non-loving feelings?

There is something you can do to banish the non-loving feelings from your heart, and that something is nothing.

Whenever you are afraid, it is a sure sign that you have allowed your mind to mis-create and have not allowed me to guide it.
– A Course in Miracles

If you think of yourself as nothing, then nothing will bother you. What other people think about you is their business, it’s none of yours. That means you will not want approval from anybody else. You will not need any person or any thing to feel secure.

I leave you with a quote on this theme from one of the greatest spiritual leaders alive today. I hope it will inform your day and get you thinking:

There is nothing to trust seeking happiness from outside, you will only become exhausted with suffering,
which is without satisfaction and without end.

– His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(646) 483-4737
denise@authentiquecoaching.com