Generations Go Best Together

Younger people realize that the world is full of huge problems that they dream of solving, but no one is interested in their views. “You don’t know what the world is really like,” they are told. “Listen to your elders and then you’ll have a better idea of what to do.”

Older people have gained experience and maturity, and have learned about life’s difficulties the hard way, but when the moment comes for them to teach these things, no one is interested. “The world has changed,” they are told. “You have to keep up to date and listen to the young.”
– Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra

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The young and the old have been antagonists for far too many generations, and it’s hurting everyone.

Parents often throw the first stone in this war of attrition, by drifting into a “Because I said so,” or “I’m right,you’re wrong,” way of thinking.

I know what is good for you, I have experience, so I don’t want you to make the mistakes I made. I want to save you from those mistakes.

Sound familiar? Unfortunately these sincere attempts at protecting your child from harm may have the opposite effect. Every human being needs to write his or her own story and the mistakes we encounter along the way are teachings. We have to learn from them. For example:

There once was a woman with three sons. Wanting only the best for them, she made it clear to the eldest two that bad grades were not welcome in her house. She supervised their every activity and basically micromanaged their lives. When it came time for her youngest to enter school, the woman had a dramatic shift in her attitude. She no longer put pressure on her son. She let him be himself.

You may have figured out I am that woman. And my new way of doing things with my youngest is creating a child who is going to be every bit as successful as his brothers.

Give your children roots and wings. Roots by acting the way you want them to be; leading by example. When it’s time to let them go, let them go. To their choice of college to study their chosen field.

When I was growing up I know I hid my stumbles and pitfalls from my father so that he would not worry – and my intuition tells me the same thing is happening to us and our children. Why should they keep it secret? Break down the wall between generations. And that might be as easy as just taking a deep breath.

Be the Light and Be Light

Nobody escapes from suffering. We all go through birth, illnesses, death.
But there is a way to live life free of suffering.
– Buddha

I recently had the pleasure of attending a life-altering experience thanks to the compassionate and kind people at the Dhamma Dhara Meditation Center in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts.

Led by accomplished  karma-yogi S. N. Goenka, the retreat was an exercise in letting go. Letting go of my phone, my journal, my books, my ego and my life. About 100 other people and I had come for a week of silence — we each took a vow of silence. On that first day I never could have guessed where this journey would take lead me.

Day #1

The employees at meditation center confiscated all distractions, starting with our cell phones. I likened it to a doctor washing his or her hands before an operation; I had to get rid of all of the potential pathogens that could infect my mind. And this was indeed surgery of the mind.

DAY #2

Day #2 was not good for me at all. I became tearful and I wept inconsolably. At the same time I experienced such a strong anger, anger at myself — for being too competitive and for not knowing what I was looking for.

What was I looking for?

Day #3

Day #2 was bad, but day #3 was extremely bad- bad beyond bad. Every single bone in my body ached from sitting for so long. Nevertheless, I did my duty and sat in silence while my mind was restless.

I found myself dreaming of ways to escape. Since I love to climb trees, I had thoughts of finding a good tree and jumping off of it to intentionally hurt myself. So I found the right tree and I started climbing. Once up there I realized how foolish it would be to hurt myself. What would I say to a student who wanted to hurt herself?

Obviously I had forgotten everything, all the tools that I teach, my coaching techniques, they all went down the toilet.

Day #4

Finally, I started coming to my senses. My unquiet thoughts started disappearing and I began to understand what the Vipassana method is; it is a technique of being totally aware and using breathing techniques as my guide. I decided I was going to learn the method and leave behind my knowledge of other schools and disciplines. I would get through this by being nothingness.

Day #5

As Goenkaji said, even when you’ve retired to your room, you can continue with the method. Well I started having dreams about my mother, my grandmother and all my relatives who I adore so much. I was basically continuing the method even in my sleep.

It was on the fifth day that I started feeling some healing in my body. This brought back memories of a dear friend who was fighting breast cancer (Spoiler alert: She won!). She said that during her chemo sessions she was able put her best foot forward because she knew that there is a higher power that heals.

If I had to choose one word to describe Day #5, it would be “Fabulous.”

Day #6

Day #6 was just OK. Half good and half bad. I confronted many feelings that day, not all of them pleasant. I got to thinking about my three sons and how I might have done some things differently. I felt like I may have created unnecessary suffering for my boys, that I failed them in some sense and that’s when the tears came back.

Day #7 and Day #8 were wonderful. Total bliss.

I did however, begin to experience anxiety because it was almost time to go back home. I didn’t want it to end. I had forgotten my life, my kids, my spouse, my job and who I was exactly. I just wanted to stay in that place and just do nothing and be nothing because being nothing feels so good.

And on the last day when we were finally allowed to talk I heard people say “Oh my god, I did it!” But I still didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to remain that quiet — at least until another student told me that I had been her source of inspiration! No wonder I love teaching so much.

Getting back to that life I led before attending this retreat wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, especially when my husband and youngest son greeted me with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. It was Mother’s Day and I was totally present for it.

Oh my god, I thought, every single person should have this experience.