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Connecting through Screens: Strengthening Bonds Despite Challenges!

Connecting through Screens: Strengthening Bonds Despite Challenges!

Long before the Covid-19 pandemic led to preventive measures that normalized social distancing, the doctors in my family were already encouraging me to pause from teaching yoga in order to avoid close physical contact with students. Of course, I resisted until March 14—the day my 4th grandchild was born. Back then (it feels like years ago!), it was hard to imagine how this disease could spread so easily from one person to another. I thought the absence of a cure or vaccine would forever prevent me, and other yoga instructors like me, from leading group classes as we have always done. Then, I remembered one of Baron Baptiste’s key tenets for teaching yoga: “Come to your teaching with a ‘we-are-connected’ mindset.”

Above all, always focus on developing that sense of connection with your students.

Indeed, Yoga is first and foremost about connection. When we practice yoga, we are not only connected to the physical and spiritual aspects of our humanness; we are also connected to the energy created by those we practice with, those with whom we share the same physical space.
Each time I’m in a yoga class as a student, and each time I teach a class, lead a workshop, or facilitate a retreat, I lean into that connection with others. I feed on the energy stemming from every person on a mat, and that energy creates a profound, communally transformative experience.

With the Covid-19 pandemic and mandatory social distancing, I kept wondering whether I would ever feel that connection again, and whether it would be possible to lead a yoga class from a deep place of connection. If anyone had told me that I could still experience that feeling of connectedness that Baron Baptiste talks about, I would not have believed it. I was convinced that we had to wait for the end of social distancing before having real yoga classes again, where through breath and movement, we could be in communion with others.

Thankfully, my students encouraged me to teach online. I resisted at first, as it felt awkward and unnatural to me, but I decided to give it a try anyway. To my great surprise, I quickly moved from frustration to gratefulness. I let go of my reluctance and fed once more on what was overflowing from my computer screen: the sheer joy of seeing each other, the grins, the banter, the virtual hugs… I was overwhelmed by the warm feeling of connection that emanated from these moments before class. Even as I muted everyone to lessen the background noise and focus on teaching, I felt connected. What is more, I felt connected with the added dimension of seeing my students in their element, in their worlds, in their homes—places I could not see when they came to class as usual! Connection took on a whole other meaning. Students allowed me into the intimacy of their worlds, showing up with their bodies, their emotions and the stories they were bearing at that very moment. In the middle of this pandemic, they showed up authentically from where they were, because what is going on, ‘this thing’ that is unfolding in front of our eyes, in our midst every day, is so big, so all-encompassing that there is no other choice but to show up as one is.

Energy, connection! I saw it, I felt it. The energy of their words, but mostly of their gaze, their movement, their down-dog, their up-dog… I experience that deep, beautiful, resilient energy, that Shakti, in the striving that was intensified by what we are all living, much like the warmth we feel from a deep conversation with a loved one who is miles away. I met them where they were, and taught them from a place that acknowledges, honors, and celebrates our connection as human beings, as community members, as beloved family, as members of one human race.

THE EXCAVATED MIND CREATES ROOM FOR MEANINGFUL TRANSFORMATIVE ACTION

When setting goals at the beginning of the year, we do so with a strong determination to succeed.  So why don’t we succeed?  Why aren’t we getting the desired results?

When I conduct group coaching on this theme, every year during my 40 Days of Life Coaching, Power Yoga, Pranayama, and Meditation program, I start with assessing the participants’ states of mind.  The detailed questionnaire I ask them to complete at the start of the program sheds light on the patterns and tendencies of each participant and gives me a clear idea of the work we will need to do.

To ensure success, we work on rewiring the brain, by releasing patterns and tendencies.  When participants begin to change their perspective, they also realize that until they release negative patterns and tendencies the actions taken towards goals are akin to driving with brakes on.

One of the tools that is effective in releasing patterns and tendencies is Authentique’s FUGT coaching model (Forgiveness Unconditional Love, Gratitude, and Trust). It seems simple, but it’s not easy to implement.    The good news is that with practice, each participant develops a clearer understanding of the process.  Clarity creates the space needed to strategize, and to engage in the actions required in order to reach the desired outcome.   Time and time again, during the strategizing sessions, participants begin to let go of the non-loving feelings. This reframing creates a positive and empowering outlook and leaves more space to implement what truly matters.

The key here is that participants begin to understand that there can be no peace of mind when we hold grudges, feel hatred, animosity, experience doubt, and crave approval from others for the choices we make or don’t make.

The other key realization is that to achieve goals without consciously taking meaningful transformative action is not possible. When people feel stuck or give up their goals after purportedly “trying everything, it is generally because they were driving with the brakes on.

Once clarity begins to emerge, and non-loving feelings are released, we become unstoppable and ready to take the necessary action with strong determination because the excavated self is a great engine that drives our actions.

So, what is the appropriate meaningful transformative action?  

There are two types of actions: wholesome and unwholesome.  Wholesome actions do not harm you nor others, but propel you forward.  Unwholesome actions harm you or others, and will drag you down.  Use your powers of discernment to know the difference.

Personal goals are set the same way you would set professional goals. You create a plan with the necessary action steps to get the desired outcome. Remember though that even when we set SMART goals, i.e. goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound, we must commit to taking action.

What amount of action should you take?  You cannot measure it out—Be bold, set your sight high—chances are, if you haven’t reached your goal, you probably haven’t truly committed to the process. 

Taking meaningful transformative action won’t be easy.   In general, people try to use shortcuts or simply don’t realize that you must keep that goal at the forefront of your life and do whatever it takes to get desired results.   If you’re tired, don’t quit—just rest.  And then continue taking small actions daily.  Your old habits will start to feel neglected and create some resistance.  That’s okay; lovingly examine what your habits are trying to tell you, and forgive yourself for having developed those habits in the first place, and let go of the negative feelings.

As you take action, seek out the multitude of counselors that will be supportive of you.  Be in a community that is also committed to meaningful transformative action.  Elevate others and minimize judgment of others.  Respect others’ journeys.

Starting over and over is also a form of taking meaningful transformative action; each time you start over, you are getting closer to your desired outcome.  

Students of Eastern philosophy may ask, why take massive action if we don’t control the outcome of our actions?  Ultimately, the point is to be in action all the time, so that the action and the outcome merge. The point is to be in live action, living a life you love. 

Your Children Are Not Yours

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s yearning for itself.
They come through you but are not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

– From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran


 

800px-Szymon_i_Krystian_003When I read this poem I knew I had to share it. It seems that all around me I see parents not letting go of their children when the time has come. It’s an unhealthy attachment, one that is ages old. Described in Buddhism as Upādāna, attachment takes four intertwined forms:

  • sense-pleasure (kamupadana) : Pleasure from our senses

  • wrong-view (ditthupadana) : Clinging to false theories and forming speculative theories

  • rites-and-rituals (silabbatupadana) : Eager indulging into rituals and ritual practices

  • self-doctrine (attavadupadana) : Greed arising from the idea that we are eternal, that we exist by ourselves
    Wikipedia

Parental attachment often rises out of fear. What I hear about most from parents is the fear that their child is not going to make it in life, that their child will become a drug user or dropout. Unfortunately, attachment clouds objectivity, and some parents never see just how mature their kids have become on their own.

Living your life without any attachment to the things you like – or aversion to the things you don’t like – helps attain a sense of freedom and happiness, absent of judgement. There is pride and joy when kids figure something out on their own. As a result, children who have a “helicopter” mom or dad doing everything for them will suffer in college.

Helicopter Parent: A parent who is involved in every aspect of a child’s life, especially school. Their own kids often describe them as hovering over them like a helicopter.

So relax a little. Everything around you may be in flux, but you still have to breathe. When you sit comfortably and start to observe your breath, you become an observer. You can be the same type of observer of your kids. But that doesn’t mean inaction. If your child is not doing well, you still need to get to the root of the problem. And that’s where coaching comes in.

Generations Go Best Together

Photo by Mike Baird

Photo by Mike Baird

Younger people realize that the world is full of huge problems that they dream of solving, but no one is interested in their views. “You don’t know what the world is really like,” they are told. “Listen to your elders and then you’ll have a better idea of what to do.”

Older people have gained experience and maturity, and have learned about life’s difficulties the hard way, but when the moment comes for them to teach these things, no one is interested. “The world has changed,” they are told. “You have to keep up to date and listen to the young.”
Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra


400px-Zebra-de-planicie_Equus-burchelli_fotografia-4338The young and the old have been antagonists for far too many generations, and it’s hurting everyone.

Parents often throw the first stone in this war of attrition, by drifting into a “Because I said so,” or “I’m right,you’re wrong,” way of thinking.

I know what is good for you, I have experience, so I don’t want you to make the mistakes I made. I want to save you from those mistakes.

Sound familiar? Unfortunately these sincere attempts at protecting your child from harm may have the opposite effect. Every human being needs to write his or her own story and the mistakes we encounter along the way are teachings. We have to learn from them. For example:

There once was a woman with three sons. Wanting only the best for them, she made it clear to the eldest two that bad grades were not welcome in her house. She supervised their every activity and basically micromanaged their lives. When it came time for her youngest to enter school, the woman had a dramatic shift in her attitude. She no longer put pressure on her son. She let him be himself.

You may have figured out I am that woman. And my new way of doing things with my youngest is creating a child who is going to be every bit as successful as his brothers.

Give your children roots and wings. Roots by acting the way you want them to be; leading by example. When it’s time to let them go, let them go. To their choice of college to study their chosen field.

When I was growing up I know I hid my stumbles and pitfalls from my father so that he would not worry – and my intuition tells me the same thing is happening to us and our children. Why should they keep it secret? Break down the wall between generations. And that might be as easy as just taking a deep breath.

Breathing in Sedona

2013-03-21_06-50-04_508Earlier this month I made a sort of pilgrimage out to Sedona, Arizona. I went to attend a retreat with my friends who, like me, have been profoundly touched by the teachings of Lester Levenson. The retreat was hosted at the beautiful Sedona Mago Retreat, in plain view of the area’s legendary Red Rocks.

Lester Levenson was a physicist and engineer who, in 1952, came out with a philosophy that was way ahead of its time. Two realizations inspired him:

  • He realized his own feelings were the cause of all his problems – not other people or unfair situations, as he had previously thought.

  • He also realized his feelings were the main obstacles he had struggled against for so long. He saw that this struggle is what destroyed his health and caused him to suffer in every way.

In between workshops where I learned more about the Release Technique that was inspired by Lester’s teachings, I wandered the grounds of the resort. My cell phone didn’t work, and I was just fine with that; I stumbled upon the Healing Garden knowing that New York City would not be able to reach across the continent and remind me that I am Denise Bonnaig, Esq.

Alone, I sat down in the garden to meditate. My practice is to take 108 deep breaths to quiet my mind. With my closed my eyes, my completely relaxed body, and my mind still. I began to let go of sentences, words and thoughts, and I became profoundly aware that this journey was shaping up to be unlike any other I had taken before.

I could literally feel the energy vibrating in my fingertips and toes. My entire body just surrendered. That emptiness, that nothingness, created a sense of amazing love and brought me to the intention that I have had since the beginning of this year: Letting go of all my non-loving feelings. I found myself in a place where I didn’t feel my body.

And then I had the deeper realization that chasing anything will not get you anywhere.

The Healing Garden

The Healing Garden

I stayed there for 45 minutes. Near the end of this amazing session, I was struck by a vision. My long-gone grandmother appeared before me and she was standing next to Lester Levenson. They didn’t say anything, but the vision of them standing together touched me like nothing ever has before.

I left Sedona fortified and recharged, which is good considering the Spring we have been having in New York. But I won’t chase those sunny days. I have other places to be.

 

 

Bonnaig - pB - Headshot - NC - Jan 18 2013Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

Reset. Rejoice. Repeat.

One of my greatest pleasures in being a yogini is the ability to travel the world meeting people from all age groups and all walks of life. I frequently find myself in the company of young people who remind me of myself – when I was just starting to learn my Denise Bonnaig | Authentique Coachingway around a Yoga studio.

I call those days my my boxing days because not only was I boxing in the gym, but I was fighting with life itself. Back then I considered meditation to be an abstract, religious practice available only to the few who have the patience for it. I was content to derive pleasure from material things like the Porsche I so obviously needed. What I didn’t realize is that getting pleasure from an object is a double-edged sword; while material things can deliver intense pleasure quickly, it is just as easy to get cut by the ensuing crash.

The overarching characteristic of meditation is self-love. Self-love means not beating yourself up and, in fact, being compassionate towards other people. We humans are beings that crave the wellness of others in addition to our own. Some styles of meditation focus on breathing while others focus on the recitation of mantras, but the main tenet of most styles of meditation is the concept of “resetting” the mind. That is, through controlled breathing or chanting, or both, the clutter in our minds falls out of focus and the present moment becomes clear. This simple lesson can be applied to every aspect of life.

For example, the folks on Madison Avenue feed the world a steady diet of fashion and engineered beauty, images designed to stir up feelings of envy and poor self-worth. These feelings reside in the subconscious, so primal that it is difficult to describe them with words. One lesson from meditation that can be applied here is the idea of living in the now. All we have to do is make the decision to get on with our lives in the present moment and keep thinking of the present moment. In other words, keep hitting the reset button.

As we zoom out of our most basic emotions, feelings too basic for words, we can take focus on the sentences we form in our heads to express these feelings. At this level of the mind the clutter gets thick with insults, arguments and half-constructed sentences churning in the flotsam. How great it would be to find a method of expelling these cynical interlopers! One way to combat a string of unpleasant words floating around in your mind is to make the decision to repeat words of love. This can be in the form of an ancient mantra or something you just thought up. Either way, your negative thoughts will be neutralized, and you can carry on anew.

If we continue to zoom out we can see ourselves interact with other people. People who gossip, people who need to feed their egos by denigrating others, people who feel wrong about themselves and so are determined to prove other people wrong. How can a person counter such negativity? Love. If you are in the vicinity of a toxic person, imagine an ocean of love pouring down on top of them. If you can imagine loving someone who is a challenge to love, your own negative feelings will become outdated and inconsequential. Your heart will be reset and ready for compassion instead of contempt.

The theme is a simple one: Your mind is tough enough to overcome the obstacles you have in your daily life. Just be ok with yourself and outside forces will seem small to you.

And when each of my students comes to this understanding, I share with them my secret: Teaching this to my students is my favorite reset button of all time.

Densie Bonnaig, Authentique Coaching, Reset Rejoice Repeat

Denise K. Bonnaig
Authentique Coaching
dkbonnaig@gmail.com
(212) 374-1511

From Fear to Freedom

Dead Tree DesertNon-loving feelings are like rogue waves in the ocean. Appearing out of nowhere and swelling to enormous proportions, they take away our breath and toss us around until we lose track of which way is up.

As Hafiz wrote centuries ago, there are consequences to these destructive forces:

 

Selections from I Know The Way You Can Get

ihafez0001p1

Hafiz

O, I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

—–

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,

Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.
You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.
– Selections from I Know The Way You Can Get

To me, fear is the most insidious non-loving feeling of all. Fear of death, fear of financial ruin, fear of not looking good enough – it springs from the mind like a predator pouncing on its prey, beguiling us into believing that there is such a thing as failure. In reality, you cannot take a picture of fear or feel the texture of failure because they don’t exist outside of the mind. Whenever you feel fear, remember that your mind is creating it and remember that what you think is what you get.

Do the thing you fear most, and the death of fear is certain.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to reach a state of quiet confidence filled with Love where nothing can bother us, we must change our minds, not simply our behavior. If you begin to detach yourself from your mind, you also begin to detach yourself from these non-loving feelings.

I have found that can be as simple as remembering to be authentic.

That means loving who you already are and not caring if you look good walking down the street or if you look silly slipping on a patch of ice. Someone who is authentic is comfortable in her own skin, because she knows it’s the only skin that she will ever have.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved 
for what you are not.
―André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Q: How can I rid myself of non-loving feelings?

There is something you can do to banish the non-loving feelings from your heart, and that something is nothing.

Whenever you are afraid, it is a sure sign that you have allowed your mind to mis-create and have not allowed me to guide it.
– A Course in Miracles

If you think of yourself as nothing, then nothing will bother you. What other people think about you is their business, it’s none of yours. That means you will not want approval from anybody else. You will not need any person or any thing to feel secure.

I leave you with a quote on this theme from one of the greatest spiritual leaders alive today. I hope it will inform your day and get you thinking:

There is nothing to trust seeking happiness from outside, you will only become exhausted with suffering,
which is without satisfaction and without end.

– His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(646) 483-4737
denise@authentiquecoaching.com