Authentique Coaching

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Connecting through Screens: Strengthening Bonds Despite Challenges!

Connecting through Screens: Strengthening Bonds Despite Challenges!

Long before the Covid-19 pandemic led to preventive measures that normalized social distancing, the doctors in my family were already encouraging me to pause from teaching yoga in order to avoid close physical contact with students. Of course, I resisted until March 14—the day my 4th grandchild was born. Back then (it feels like years ago!), it was hard to imagine how this disease could spread so easily from one person to another. I thought the absence of a cure or vaccine would forever prevent me, and other yoga instructors like me, from leading group classes as we have always done. Then, I remembered one of Baron Baptiste’s key tenets for teaching yoga: “Come to your teaching with a ‘we-are-connected’ mindset.”

Above all, always focus on developing that sense of connection with your students.

Indeed, Yoga is first and foremost about connection. When we practice yoga, we are not only connected to the physical and spiritual aspects of our humanness; we are also connected to the energy created by those we practice with, those with whom we share the same physical space.
Each time I’m in a yoga class as a student, and each time I teach a class, lead a workshop, or facilitate a retreat, I lean into that connection with others. I feed on the energy stemming from every person on a mat, and that energy creates a profound, communally transformative experience.

With the Covid-19 pandemic and mandatory social distancing, I kept wondering whether I would ever feel that connection again, and whether it would be possible to lead a yoga class from a deep place of connection. If anyone had told me that I could still experience that feeling of connectedness that Baron Baptiste talks about, I would not have believed it. I was convinced that we had to wait for the end of social distancing before having real yoga classes again, where through breath and movement, we could be in communion with others.

Thankfully, my students encouraged me to teach online. I resisted at first, as it felt awkward and unnatural to me, but I decided to give it a try anyway. To my great surprise, I quickly moved from frustration to gratefulness. I let go of my reluctance and fed once more on what was overflowing from my computer screen: the sheer joy of seeing each other, the grins, the banter, the virtual hugs… I was overwhelmed by the warm feeling of connection that emanated from these moments before class. Even as I muted everyone to lessen the background noise and focus on teaching, I felt connected. What is more, I felt connected with the added dimension of seeing my students in their element, in their worlds, in their homes—places I could not see when they came to class as usual! Connection took on a whole other meaning. Students allowed me into the intimacy of their worlds, showing up with their bodies, their emotions and the stories they were bearing at that very moment. In the middle of this pandemic, they showed up authentically from where they were, because what is going on, ‘this thing’ that is unfolding in front of our eyes, in our midst every day, is so big, so all-encompassing that there is no other choice but to show up as one is.

Energy, connection! I saw it, I felt it. The energy of their words, but mostly of their gaze, their movement, their down-dog, their up-dog… I experience that deep, beautiful, resilient energy, that Shakti, in the striving that was intensified by what we are all living, much like the warmth we feel from a deep conversation with a loved one who is miles away. I met them where they were, and taught them from a place that acknowledges, honors, and celebrates our connection as human beings, as community members, as beloved family, as members of one human race.

THE EXCAVATED MIND CREATES ROOM FOR MEANINGFUL TRANSFORMATIVE ACTION

When setting goals at the beginning of the year, we do so with a strong determination to succeed.  So why don’t we succeed?  Why aren’t we getting the desired results?

When I conduct group coaching on this theme, every year during my 40 Days of Life Coaching, Power Yoga, Pranayama, and Meditation program, I start with assessing the participants’ states of mind.  The detailed questionnaire I ask them to complete at the start of the program sheds light on the patterns and tendencies of each participant and gives me a clear idea of the work we will need to do.

To ensure success, we work on rewiring the brain, by releasing patterns and tendencies.  When participants begin to change their perspective, they also realize that until they release negative patterns and tendencies the actions taken towards goals are akin to driving with brakes on.

One of the tools that is effective in releasing patterns and tendencies is Authentique’s FUGT coaching model (Forgiveness Unconditional Love, Gratitude, and Trust). It seems simple, but it’s not easy to implement.    The good news is that with practice, each participant develops a clearer understanding of the process.  Clarity creates the space needed to strategize, and to engage in the actions required in order to reach the desired outcome.   Time and time again, during the strategizing sessions, participants begin to let go of the non-loving feelings. This reframing creates a positive and empowering outlook and leaves more space to implement what truly matters.

The key here is that participants begin to understand that there can be no peace of mind when we hold grudges, feel hatred, animosity, experience doubt, and crave approval from others for the choices we make or don’t make.

The other key realization is that to achieve goals without consciously taking meaningful transformative action is not possible. When people feel stuck or give up their goals after purportedly “trying everything, it is generally because they were driving with the brakes on.

Once clarity begins to emerge, and non-loving feelings are released, we become unstoppable and ready to take the necessary action with strong determination because the excavated self is a great engine that drives our actions.

So, what is the appropriate meaningful transformative action?  

There are two types of actions: wholesome and unwholesome.  Wholesome actions do not harm you nor others, but propel you forward.  Unwholesome actions harm you or others, and will drag you down.  Use your powers of discernment to know the difference.

Personal goals are set the same way you would set professional goals. You create a plan with the necessary action steps to get the desired outcome. Remember though that even when we set SMART goals, i.e. goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound, we must commit to taking action.

What amount of action should you take?  You cannot measure it out—Be bold, set your sight high—chances are, if you haven’t reached your goal, you probably haven’t truly committed to the process. 

Taking meaningful transformative action won’t be easy.   In general, people try to use shortcuts or simply don’t realize that you must keep that goal at the forefront of your life and do whatever it takes to get desired results.   If you’re tired, don’t quit—just rest.  And then continue taking small actions daily.  Your old habits will start to feel neglected and create some resistance.  That’s okay; lovingly examine what your habits are trying to tell you, and forgive yourself for having developed those habits in the first place, and let go of the negative feelings.

As you take action, seek out the multitude of counselors that will be supportive of you.  Be in a community that is also committed to meaningful transformative action.  Elevate others and minimize judgment of others.  Respect others’ journeys.

Starting over and over is also a form of taking meaningful transformative action; each time you start over, you are getting closer to your desired outcome.  

Students of Eastern philosophy may ask, why take massive action if we don’t control the outcome of our actions?  Ultimately, the point is to be in action all the time, so that the action and the outcome merge. The point is to be in live action, living a life you love. 

A Journey to Panna: My Second Vipassana Retreat…Part 2

Occupy_the_Present_-_Dig_Deep_-_Power_Up.transparentThe last time I wrote, I attested to the awesome power of Vipassana meditation, and my second 10-day retreat there earlier this year. Thinking back to that wonderful week and a half I find myself feeling so blessed beyond measure…wow.

We left off on Day 6. On day 7, I didn’t go to meditate in my assigned cell at the pagoda. Instead, from 4:30-6:30 a.m., I sat in the meditation hall. My body was aching, and I kept resisting the urge to move. I was playing tough, in that I didn’t want to change my position and I was suffering, and that suffering was massive.

What had gone wrong? The day before I had attained my much anticipated, much hoped-for “A-ha” moment, and now I was miserable. Somehow, I needed to figure out a way to apply Goenkaji’s teachings. I started hearing Goenkaji’s voice in my head. The suffering was still there, but his voice instilled an attitude of gratitude. I was grateful for this opportunity, I was grateful for who I am, and everything in my life. As they say: No regrets.

So by sitting there, and observing the unpleasant sensation throughout my body from head to toe and examining how it felt, I decided that from then on my body would be still. My mind is going to be quiet, calm, alert, equanimous, and whatever situation I find myself in it, too, shall pass.

Every time I wanted to scratch an itch, or whatever the case might have been, I knew that, too, would pass. I cannot talk about other people’s sensations, but I know for sure I experienced the sensation of coming and going away from my own body. One minute I was in Cameroon, aged 5, then aged 7, then 15, and the next minute I was in France, aged 20, then one city or another, then before you know it I found my old self in school in New York and then I was back at Dhamma Dara, in my self-imposed prison.

Then another A-ha moment: I do not have to be my thoughts, I can simply be the observer of my thoughts.

Observing our thoughts instead of being them relieves some of our suffering! Whining and complaining about not having enough money will not put money in your pocket. It just creates deeper and deeper sankara, or misery, that robs us of our clarity of mind. And the joke is that when you really let go, it all comes to you. I have witnessed that firsthand.

What you resist persists…It is our resistance that creates suffering.

– Buddha

And the resistance creates more and more resistance.

The rest of my time at the retreat was spent living in the moment, and I began to aspire to doing dishes and cleaning the toilets in the center. That is what older students like me graduate to; being of service to newer students.

I would like to make a small disclaimer to anyone considering a retreat at Dhamma Dara: The Vipassana technique does not work if it is diluted, blended or turned into a frappé. The meditation hall can be like a torture chamber, but it’s a free torture chamber; donations are only accepted after you have tried the course. I always used to hide behind donating money, but there, service is always more meaningful than money. I have to go and donate my most valuable asset – my time – and serve in any capacity I’m assigned to serve, including doing the dishes, wiping and cleaning toilets. That is my next move, and I’ve already signed up to do that this fall.

A Journey to Panna: My Second Vipassana Retreat

dhara27Recently I attended my second 10-day retreat and vow of Noble Silence at the Dhamma Dhara Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts. When I arrived at the center I was greeted with a flood of memories from my first retreat last year and the incredible spiritual journey I experienced with karmic guru SN Goenka (Goenka-ji).

This year was different because Goenka-ji had given up his body not long after my first Vipassana experience last year. Hearing his booming chant, this year, knowing that he was in another dimension, was priceless. He was very much alive and fully present.

From 4 am to 4:30 am, your alarm clock is a gong banged by volunteers who serve. The meditation starts at 4:30 am–we meet in the meditation hall. The day ends at 9:30 p.m. Lights are out at 10 p.m. There are approximately 10 or 11 hours of sitting meditation in complete silence sandwiched in between. At times we heard chanting, but were forbidden from chanting ourselves.

Each day the true treat was the evening discourses delivered by Goenka-ji.

Before the retreat even starts, you have to adopt a certain code of conduct which included 5 strong precepts of the Vipassana technique:

  1. The rejection of killing – especially in what we eat
  2. No lying
  3. No stealing
  4. No sex
  5. No intoxicants.

In other words, the senses are not to be indulged at all. For the first 3 days of the retreat, we practiced anapana meditation. The purpose is to tranquilize the mind before embarking on the Vipassana technique on day 4.

  • On Day 4, I meditated alone in a cell within a pagoda — a self-imposed jail. I did not have the big insight that I was hoping for, and yet, that was okay.
  • Day 5 was fabulous and my ego, which was dormant, knocked on the door. It wanted to go home, because I thought I had achieved mastery of the technique.
  • That big ‘A-ha’ moment arrived during the afternoon of day 6 after mud wrestling with my ego. The concept of non-duality is one that I have known for over a decade, and though I understood it intellectually, it was only on day 6 that I experienced it at the cellular level.

Let me tell you what I mean. For example:

dhara17If you can watch sensations come and go, with equanimity (think of a mosquito bite and your urge to scratch it sooo badly), but you know that it will only make it itch more — so you just observe the sensations and don’t scratch it. Because that itch, too, shall pass.

Similarly with your agitating (or itchy) thoughts, you can watch them come and go, without indulging them and being reactive or explosive. You can simply observe them, without attachment or aversion. They will, like clouds, disappear – sometimes those might be storm clouds!

Sitting in the pagoda then, I realized that nothing, and no one, could ever bother me.

As I continued, the connection between mind and body became more apparent. Buddha said, after years of living close to starvation as an ascetic, that one should take care of one’s body. I began to sense the quantum interaction between my mind and the sensations I was feeling in my physical form. My body may have ached from sitting in meditation for hours at a time, but I was determined to keep going, even as I suffered more and more.

Join me next time to discover what happened after day 6!

Say “Yes!” To Life

Samsara

Samsara

I am lucky to be one of the many thousands of students who have been uplifted by the teachings of karma yogi SN Goenka. I wrote about my experience meeting Master Goenka earlier this month.

I’m glad I did.

On September 29, 2013, my most accomplished yogi  gave up his body, no doubt to help other souls on their journey to enlightenment.

Since his passing, I have been thinking about this experience we all share – the splendor of being alive. Buddha taught that life is suffering, and I am here to say “Yes.”

Yes to illness, yes to the job that we fear, yes to whatever keeps us up at night. The source of your suffering might be a relationship; financial problems; losing a job or the death of a loved one, but whatever it is, say “YES!” as we head into the holidays this year. 450px-SriLanka_BuddhistStatue_(pixinn.net)

We’ll all be reminded of family members who will not be seated at the table with us because they have passed on. My own father passed 20 years ago. Even the family members who break bread and wishbones with us this year live a life that is rapidly fleeting, just like yours and mine.

But learning to say “Yes” to the impermanence of the people you love this year, during the holiday season, will help you to enjoy their company so much more. Forget about what they should have done, or could have done. Say yes to their so called “mistakes,” and accept them unconditionally. Because it is all too easy to lose ourselves in our technology, to multitask instead of having real conversations. To seek out every possible distraction from the temporary nature of our lives, whether it be fixating on a smartphone or looking at the TV while someone is talking to us.

Those big jets that take us to the places we are from, that’s the only technology we need.

SNG

SN Goenka

Be the Light and Be Light

Nobody escapes from suffering. We all go through birth, illnesses, death.
But there is a way to live life free of suffering.
– Buddha

SNG

S.N. Goenka

I recently had the pleasure of attending a life-altering experience thanks to the compassionate and kind people at the Dhamma Dhara Meditation Center in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts.

Led by accomplished  karma-yogi S. N. Goenka, the retreat was an exercise in letting go. Letting go of my phone, my journal, my books, my ego and my life. About 100 other people and I had come for a week of silence — we each took a vow of silence. On that first day I never could have guessed where this journey would take lead me.

Day #1

The employees at meditation center confiscated all distractions, starting with our cell phones. I likened it to a doctor washing his or her hands before an operation; I had to get rid of all of the potential pathogens that could infect my mind. And this was indeed surgery of the mind.

DAY #2

Day #2 was not good for me at all. I became tearful and I wept inconsolably. At the same time I experienced such a strong anger, anger at myself — for being too competitive and for not knowing what I was looking for.

What was I looking for?

Day #3

Day #2 was bad, but day #3 was extremely bad- bad beyond bad. Every single bone in my body ached from sitting for so long. Nevertheless, I did my duty and sat in silence while my mind was restless.

Denise Bonnaig, Authentique CoachingI found myself dreaming of ways to escape. Since I love to climb trees, I had thoughts of finding a good tree and jumping off of it to intentionally hurt myself. So I found the right tree and I started climbing. Once up there I realized how foolish it would be to hurt myself. What would I say to a student who wanted to hurt herself?

Obviously I had forgotten everything, all the tools that I teach, my coaching techniques, they all went down the toilet.

Day #4

Finally, I started coming to my senses. My unquiet thoughts started disappearing and I began to understand what the Vipassana method is; it is a technique of being totally aware and using breathing techniques as my guide. I decided I was going to learn the method and leave behind my knowledge of other schools and disciplines. I would get through this by being nothingness.

Day #5

As Goenkaji said, even when you’ve retired to your room, you can continue with the method. Well I started having dreams about my mother, my grandmother and all my relatives who I adore so much. I was basically continuing the method even in my sleep.

It was on the fifth day that I started feeling some healing in my body. This brought back memories of a dear friend who was fighting breast cancer (Spoiler alert: She won!). She said that during her chemo sessions she was able put her best foot forward because she knew that there is a higher power that heals.

If I had to choose one word to describe Day #5, it would be “Fabulous.”

Dhamma Dharā's courtyard garden.

Dhamma Dharā’s courtyard garden.

Day #6

Day #6 was just OK. Half good and half bad. I confronted many feelings that day, not all of them pleasant. I got to thinking about my three sons and how I might have done some things differently. I felt like I may have created unnecessary suffering for my boys, that I failed them in some sense and that’s when the tears came back.

Day #7 and Day #8 were wonderful. Total bliss.

I did however, begin to experience anxiety because it was almost time to go back home. I didn’t want it to end. I had forgotten my life, my kids, my spouse, my job and who I was exactly. I just wanted to stay in that place and just do nothing and be nothing because being nothing feels so good.

And on the last day when we were finally allowed to talk I heard people say “Oh my god, I did it!” But I still didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to remain that quiet — at least until another student told me that I had been her source of inspiration! No wonder I love teaching so much.

Getting back to that life I led before attending this retreat wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, especially when my husband and youngest son greeted me with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. It was Mother’s Day and I was totally present for it.

Oh my god, I thought, every single person should have this experience.

Breathing in Sedona

2013-03-21_06-50-04_508Earlier this month I made a sort of pilgrimage out to Sedona, Arizona. I went to attend a retreat with my friends who, like me, have been profoundly touched by the teachings of Lester Levenson. The retreat was hosted at the beautiful Sedona Mago Retreat, in plain view of the area’s legendary Red Rocks.

Lester Levenson was a physicist and engineer who, in 1952, came out with a philosophy that was way ahead of its time. Two realizations inspired him:

  • He realized his own feelings were the cause of all his problems – not other people or unfair situations, as he had previously thought.

  • He also realized his feelings were the main obstacles he had struggled against for so long. He saw that this struggle is what destroyed his health and caused him to suffer in every way.

In between workshops where I learned more about the Release Technique that was inspired by Lester’s teachings, I wandered the grounds of the resort. My cell phone didn’t work, and I was just fine with that; I stumbled upon the Healing Garden knowing that New York City would not be able to reach across the continent and remind me that I am Denise Bonnaig, Esq.

Alone, I sat down in the garden to meditate. My practice is to take 108 deep breaths to quiet my mind. With my closed my eyes, my completely relaxed body, and my mind still. I began to let go of sentences, words and thoughts, and I became profoundly aware that this journey was shaping up to be unlike any other I had taken before.

I could literally feel the energy vibrating in my fingertips and toes. My entire body just surrendered. That emptiness, that nothingness, created a sense of amazing love and brought me to the intention that I have had since the beginning of this year: Letting go of all my non-loving feelings. I found myself in a place where I didn’t feel my body.

And then I had the deeper realization that chasing anything will not get you anywhere.

The Healing Garden

The Healing Garden

I stayed there for 45 minutes. Near the end of this amazing session, I was struck by a vision. My long-gone grandmother appeared before me and she was standing next to Lester Levenson. They didn’t say anything, but the vision of them standing together touched me like nothing ever has before.

I left Sedona fortified and recharged, which is good considering the Spring we have been having in New York. But I won’t chase those sunny days. I have other places to be.

 

 

Bonnaig - pB - Headshot - NC - Jan 18 2013Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

Be Grateful For Who And What You Have

It was my third year in America when my son Nicolas was attending preschool. One day in November he came home and said to me, “Mommy on Thanksgiving we eat turkey.” Princeton Power YogaThat year was my first Thanksgiving celebration and soon my sister, and only close relative in America then, joined in on all the Thanksgiving traditions. We, too, were using the time off to be together and create memories.

That is what is so special about Thanksgiving: The getting together of families.

The family gatherings where I come from tended to occur, unfortunately, through funerals. That is why I am so grateful this year to see my sons and my first granddaughter, my sister and her family, in a setting of celebration. That is a tradition I will maintain: Sharing and moving forward together as a family – two things to be so grateful for.

Gratitude, I would define as the appreciation of Life, the appreciation of the things we might otherwise take for granted.

Growing up in a religious family, I felt my father gave away much more money to the church than he did to us children. This instilled a deep sense of service to others in me, as well as a recognition of all the things I have. I think that is the reason why my mission, my purpose in life, is to help people discover that they will be happier if they appreciate all of the little blessings in their lives – in other words, to empower themselves.

The hurricane reaffirmed to me that point.

What we perceive as a curse can just as easily be turned into a blessing. Like everyone else in lower Manhattan, I was without power. But I empowered myself; I spent some great moments getting to know myself, reflecting on myself and meditating. I wrote Thank You notes to the people I love and I went through my address book to see if there were any relationships that needed mending.

Likewise, my intention is to empower my yogis and my coachees to discover that they have the power to turn a situation around, from one that hurts to one that heals. To turn “I can’t!” into “I can!”

That is not possible without gratitude for the unnoticed, little things; without appreciating of the breath of life. As Meister Eckhart said:

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was ‘Thank you,’ that would suffice.”

This ThanksGiving, I invite you to share in my journey with an invigorating physical and spiritual two hour Meditation and Power Vinyasa Yoga Workshop at Dance Exposure II in Princeton.

Discover Your True Self And Allow Your Authentic Personality To Shine!

You will leave feeling stronger, more flexible and energized, and most importantly—full of gratitude on this day of giving Thanks.