Being Pro-Choice does not necessarily involve politics…

What is consciousness?

Over the ages, humankind’s tendency towards introspection and self-awareness has led our collective consciousness to dwell on the nature of each of our own “individual” consciousnesses. It is a mystery that has entertained the minds of great men and women since antiquity, but great strides are being made today thanks to the unprecedented fusion of different religions and philosophies.

As a Yogini, I work in the trenches with consciousness every day. My job is to help my students tend to their mind, body and spirit. Before each class, I pray my students will reach the highest levels of human consciousness and I can’t help but feel my prayers get answered in every class.

Since my students intend to be loving and kind, I tell them that it begins with envisioning the invisible: loving kindness. There is an old saying, I tell them, “You become what you think about.” If a person wants to be of Love, they must first know Love.

That’s because everything that happens to a person, happens in their consciousness – both figuratively and literally! All of science’s brightest ideas to explain the universe and its many wonders started as seeds in the consciousness of a curious spirit.

Ok…so I’ll repeat: What is consciousness?

I believe that consciousness is the collective experience of all humankind. When I sit down to meditate, there’s nothing but me and you, you and me; we happen to be at different points in our “being-ness,” but we all have passports to go where we choose in the continent of consciousness.

Your relationship with your Self is the key to your mobility; if you don’t love yourself, you will never be able to love someone else.  By the grace of God, or the universe, or whatever one believes, the ability to choose to love is possible.

I often tell my students that meditation is an excellent way to start their journey. Letting the clutter and muddy water of your mind settle will reveal untold treasures within, I tell them – thoughts might  be hard to shake at first, but one is not one’s thoughts. If something negative surfaces, one can let it go just as easily with neither attachment nor aversion. So what is consciousness?

It is what it is.

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

Breathing in Sedona

Earlier this month I made a sort of pilgrimage out to Sedona, Arizona. I went to attend a retreat with my friends who, like me, have been profoundly touched by the teachings of Lester Levenson. The retreat was hosted at the beautiful Sedona Mago Retreat, in plain view of the area’s legendary Red Rocks.

Lester Levenson was a physicist and engineer who, in 1952, came out with a philosophy that was way ahead of its time. Two realizations inspired him:

• He realized his own feelings were the cause of all his problems – not other people or unfair situations, as he had previously thought.

• He also realized his feelings were the main obstacles he had struggled against for so long. He saw that this struggle is what destroyed his health and caused him to suffer in every way.

In between workshops where I learned more about the Release Technique that was inspired by Lester’s teachings, I wandered the grounds of the resort. My cell phone didn’t work, and I was just fine with that; I stumbled upon the Healing Garden knowing that New York City would not be able to reach across the continent and remind me that I am Denise Bonnaig, Esq.

Alone, I sat down in the garden to meditate. My practice is to take 108 deep breaths to quiet my mind. With my closed my eyes, my completely relaxed body, and my mind still. I began to let go of sentences, words and thoughts, and I became profoundly aware that this journey was shaping up to be unlike any other I had taken before.

I could literally feel the energy vibrating in my fingertips and toes. My entire body just surrendered. That emptiness, that nothingness, created a sense of amazing love and brought me to the intention that I have had since the beginning of this year: Letting go of all my non-loving feelings. I found myself in a place where I didn’t feel my body.

And then I had the deeper realization that chasing anything will not get you anywhere.

I stayed there for 45 minutes. Near the end of this amazing session, I was struck by a vision. My long-gone grandmother appeared before me and she was standing next to Lester Levenson. They didn’t say anything, but the vision of them standing together touched me like nothing ever has before.

I left Sedona fortified and recharged, which is good considering the Spring we have been having in New York. But I won’t chase those sunny days. I have other places to be.

 

 

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

What and What Not to Do if You are Being Sexually Harassed

Atop Mount Kailash in the Himalayas, an ancient goddess meditates. She spends most of her time in the lotus position, meditating in loving devotion to her creation below. She is the embodiment of feminine energy, or shakti, who might stay in that position for a thousand years or more – but when her duty calls, she awakens as a fierce warrior. Her mount is a deadly tiger and together they battle the dark forces that threaten to enslave all of humankind. Her name is Durga and, like her, I too have a fierce side; I am not only a life coach, yogini and meditator – I am also a litigator.

You have probably been told that if you are being sexually harassed, you should immediately report the event to your company’s Human Resources Department. If your circumstances permit, and you are not in a life-threatening situation, it’s best to consult with an experienced employment lawyer about your situation, before reporting the acts of sexual harassment to Human Resources.

Human Resources staff are often well-spoken, and have received extensive training on resolving disputes in the workplace. Though they may behave like advocates for employees, it’s certainly not their job to advocate for employees. The allegiance of Human Resources lies firmly with your employer. Their ultimate goal is to avoid potential litigation and protect the company from any legal trouble. They are not paid to represent you or to protect your interests and rights in the workplace.

In many cases, when an employee goes to Human Resources to report sexual harassment, without having obtained legal advice from an experienced employment lawyer, Human Resources will blame the employee, the victim, for having behavioral or performance problems, and sometimes will cover up the fact that the employee scheduled an appointment to report sexual harassment.

You need an advocate that represents you, and is vested in protecting your interests. This is why you need to consult with an employment lawyer before complaining to your Human Resources Department, if your circumstances permit.

Under no circumstances should you remain silent about the problem. Even if you are worried about retaliation or concerned that people will not believe you, you must take action. Attorneys like myself have a great deal of experience fighting difficult sexual harassment cases – and very often we can help you put an end to it.

Seeing an attorney immediately also means that you are protecting your rights and the rights of others. If your employer knows you are already consulting with an attorney, your employer will be hesitant to threaten you or fire you in response to your coming forward – in other words, retaining an experienced employment lawyer to assist you in reporting the sexual harassment is like putting on a bullet-proof vest. If you come forward in asserting your rights, the employer will also be more likely to respect the rights of other employees who come forward.

Sexual harassment unfortunately remains a serious problem facing employees in virtually all lines of work today. If you are a victim of this behavior, stand up and act. Come and seek help from a legal professional as soon as you can.

Contact us today at (212) 374-1511 to see what we can do for you.

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

A Little Spiritual Algebra

Taking responsibility for everything that happens to you is an awesome idea. If you want to improve your Self, you must blame yourself for more of the bad things that happen to you. “Doesn’t that go against everything I have ever learned about improving myself?” you might ask. Well, let me tell you how I came to that conclusion.

Earlier this month I took one of those life-sustaining winter vacations out of cold New York and into the tropics. My destination was Oahu, Hawaii, where I was set to attend the Wanderlust Festival of music and Yoga, which was co-founded by my teacher Schuyler Grant. I also got a chance to catch up with my other teacher and mentor, Baron Baptiste.

It was when I was relaxing on the beach during some down time that I finally, really, noticed the ocean. Pulsating and vibrant like a community, it went from being a really large amount of salty water to millions of unique waves who just happened to be traveling with one another. Some were bigger and took up more space, but there weren’t any quarrels or wars. They were at peace – and so much peace is abundant in the ocean – so much, you can choose to take as much as you want with you.

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-Lao Tzu

This meditation on the sea had a dissolving effect on the accumulated tightness in my muscles and my mind. Is everybody on the beach enjoying this as much as I am? I wondered. I realized my perspective is unique only to me and it is always within my power to change perspective – so in a sense, it was possible to take responsibility for everything I witness. If I “blamed” myself, then I could fix myself. A little spiritual algebra.

If you are in a relationship and there are things that are not working in that relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship or a friend, whatever it is, you can assume responsibility for the situation, even if it is not your “fault.” The real reason these things are happening is me…an unlikely mantra but one to consider.

As a welcome byproduct, you will find yourself inspired to go about things differently. You will put yourself in charge of your life instead of doing a lot of blaming and claiming. Your intuition will guide you to the things that make you feel good and and if something or someone bothers you, you will have a safe and speedy way of processing it.

And now you see how blaming yourself for everything that happens to you can be a perfectly healthy thing to do.

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

Reset. Rejoice. Repeat.

One of my greatest pleasures in being a yogini is the ability to travel the world meeting people from all age groups and all walks of life. I frequently find myself in the company of young people who remind me of myself – when I was just starting to learn my way around a Yoga studio.

I call those days my my boxing days because not only was I boxing in the gym, but I was fighting with life itself. Back then I considered meditation to be an abstract, religious practice available only to the few who have the patience for it. I was content to derive pleasure from material things like the Porsche I so obviously needed. What I didn’t realize is that getting pleasure from an object is a double-edged sword; while material things can deliver intense pleasure quickly, it is just as easy to get cut by the ensuing crash.

The overarching characteristic of meditation is self-love. Self-love means not beating yourself up and, in fact, being compassionate towards other people. We humans are beings that crave the wellness of others in addition to our own. Some styles of meditation focus on breathing while others focus on the recitation of mantras, but the main tenet of most styles of meditation is the concept of “resetting” the mind. That is, through controlled breathing or chanting, or both, the clutter in our minds falls out of focus and the present moment becomes clear. This simple lesson can be applied to every aspect of life.

For example, the folks on Madison Avenue feed the world a steady diet of fashion and engineered beauty, images designed to stir up feelings of envy and poor self-worth. These feelings reside in the subconscious, so primal that it is difficult to describe them with words. One lesson from meditation that can be applied here is the idea of living in the now. All we have to do is make the decision to get on with our lives in the present moment and keep thinking of the present moment. In other words, keep hitting the reset button.

As we zoom out of our most basic emotions, feelings too basic for words, we can take focus on the sentences we form in our heads to express these feelings. At this level of the mind the clutter gets thick with insults, arguments and half-constructed sentences churning in the flotsam. How great it would be to find a method of expelling these cynical interlopers! One way to combat a string of unpleasant words floating around in your mind is to make the decision to repeat words of love. This can be in the form of an ancient mantra or something you just thought up. Either way, your negative thoughts will be neutralized, and you can carry on anew.

If we continue to zoom out we can see ourselves interact with other people. People who gossip, people who need to feed their egos by denigrating others, people who feel wrong about themselves and so are determined to prove other people wrong. How can a person counter such negativity? Love. If you are in the vicinity of a toxic person, imagine an ocean of love pouring down on top of them. If you can imagine loving someone who is a challenge to love, your own negative feelings will become outdated and inconsequential. Your heart will be reset and ready for compassion instead of contempt.

The theme is a simple one: Your mind is tough enough to overcome the obstacles you have in your daily life. Just be ok with yourself and outside forces will seem small to you.

And when each of my students comes to this understanding, I share with them my secret: Teaching this to my students is my favorite reset button of all time.

Denise K. Bonnaig
Authentique Coaching
dkbonnaig@gmail.com
(212) 374-1511

Snores and Mirrors

In my last post I talked about that great usurper we call Fear. This week I’d like to turn my attention to something called Resistance. What do I mean by Resistance?

For me, Resistance occurs when something bothers me in another person or situation, something I don’t like or something I don’t agree with. As an attorney, this is something I must deal with every day. I have come to realize that in the courts there are three sides to every story – my side, your side and the truth. I don’t personalize that kind of resistance because it is part of the trade.

The kind of resistance one encounters in personal relationships is much more difficult to ignore. That’s because the bothersome things we see in other people are present in every one of us – otherwise we would not know what we are looking at! We can either choose to resist that which bothers us or give ourselves the freedom to love it.

Let’s take the case of how I grew to love my husband’s snoring as an example. For years I would despair as my deepest slumbers were rudely shattered by the sound that emanated from my husband’s nostrils every night. I just could not sleep through it. I would become angry and because I was angry, I would feel like I needed to react, and what was my reaction? Waking him, pushing him, elbowing him and calling him names. Of course none of that helped and he kept snoring away.

Who was suffering? Me.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at
someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
-Buddha

Now that I have discovered the benefits of Yoga and its philosophy, now that I have meditated on mountain tops and practiced asanas in the rain, how do I deal with a snoring man in the bed now?

Love. Love is the antidote to resistance. Love enabled me to accept the reality that my husband snores. People snore. It dawned on me that snoring is not any easy thing to change and it is a part of who my husband is.

How misguided I was to think I could grant or deny him permission to be who he is. I decided to accept the snoring and then go beyond the acceptance and love it, because I love my husband. Besides, whenever I point my finger at my husband, how can I ignore the three that are pointing back at me?

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.
– Buddha

And guess what? I don’t hear snoring anymore…unless it comes from me!

Denise K. Bonnaig
Authentique Coaching
(212) 374-1511
dkbonnaig@gmail.com

 

From Fear to Freedom

Non-loving feelings are like rogue waves in the ocean. Appearing out of nowhere and swelling to enormous proportions, they take away our breath and toss us around until we lose track of which way is up.

As Hafiz wrote centuries ago, there are consequences to these destructive forces:

 

Selections from I Know The Way You Can Get

O, I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

—–

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.
You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.
– Selections from I Know The Way You Can Get

To me, fear is the most insidious non-loving feeling of all. Fear of death, fear of financial ruin, fear of not looking good enough – it springs from the mind like a predator pouncing on its prey, beguiling us into believing that there is such a thing as failure. In reality, you cannot take a picture of fear or feel the texture of failure because they don’t exist outside of the mind. Whenever you feel fear, remember that your mind is creating it and remember that what you think is what you get.

Do the thing you fear most, and the death of fear is certain.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

In order to reach a state of quiet confidence filled with Love where nothing can bother us, we must change our minds, not simply our behavior. If you begin to detach yourself from your mind, you also begin to detach yourself from these non-loving feelings.

I have found that can be as simple as remembering to be authentic.

That means loving who you already are and not caring if you look good walking down the street or if you look silly slipping on a patch of ice. Someone who is authentic is comfortable in her own skin, because she knows it’s the only skin that she will ever have.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved 
for what you are not.
―André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Q: How can I rid myself of non-loving feelings?

There is something you can do to banish the non-loving feelings from your heart, and that something is nothing.

Whenever you are afraid, it is a sure sign that you have allowed your mind to mis-create and have not allowed me to guide it.
– A Course in Miracles

If you think of yourself as nothing, then nothing will bother you. What other people think about you is their business, it’s none of yours. That means you will not want approval from anybody else. You will not need any person or any thing to feel secure.

I leave you with a quote on this theme from one of the greatest spiritual leaders alive today. I hope it will inform your day and get you thinking:

There is nothing to trust seeking happiness from outside, you will only become exhausted with suffering,
which is without satisfaction and without end.
– His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
Authentique Coaching
(646) 483-4737
denise@authentiquecoaching.com

Don’t Let Your Goals Get In The Way Of Your Intentions

Once there were two sisters who were fighting over the last orange in the cupboard. Neither was willing to share it, as each had her own goal of taking the entire orange. When their mother stepped in to settle the dispute, she learned that one girl wanted it for the juice and the other for the rind. “See,” the mother said, “you let your goals get in the way of your intentions.”

Disappointment, failure, apathy: All words that have a way of lurking in any conversation about New Year’s resolutions. Why is that? If people set goals based on what they would like to become in the new year, why can’t they do it? A knee-jerk reaction might be to say their goals are unrealistic, but what if the real culprit is the very act of setting goals?

I ask that question because there are people who have set goals and say things like  “I’ll be happy when I get a new job” or “I’d like to be in a new relationship” or “I’ll be happy when I have tons of money” – and when they do reach their goals they’re still unhappy.

I don’t like goals; another word for “goal” is “end,” and I don’t believe in endings. I would rather focus on what my intentions are.

An intention is something to move toward – there’s no conclusion, success or failure. Intentions are non-judgmental, they don’t lead to disappointment and they spring eternal from within each of us as extensions of our personalities.

This year, my New Year’s intention is to let go of all non-loving feelings. I would like to live a life where I don’t judge anyone or anything, where I’m content, and at every instance grateful. I want to keep love and trust, and throw out fear and doubt.

By letting go of all non-loving feelings we get closer to happiness, which is also peace of mind. The times that I have been able to experience such a place have been filled with beauty and the knowledge that everything happens the way it was meant to happen.

Even if today I’m not able to be loving and positive and accepting of everything, I still have tomorrow to start over without beating myself up.

This can be exercised in all areas of life. Relationships, finances, career, health issues; accepting what is happening, focusing on what is working rather than what is not working.

In meditation, thoughts may surface but the key to quieting the mind is to accept those thoughts and move on. Make your life your meditation. If negative thoughts surface into your consciousness, accept them and carry on with your intentions – they will remain the same, negative thoughts or not.

Here’s to 2013…may your intentions inform you and help you answer the most important question you will ever answer: Who are you?

A Flu Shot for the Mind

Science has extended our physical lives through discoveries about exercise and diet, even going so far as to eradicate smallpox from the world. But while vaccines and antibiotics ensure our physical longevity, what can we do to inoculate our souls against the challenges we face in our day-to-day living?

We can literally, do nothing; stillness is the cardio of our minds. The act of mindfulness, of being aware of your thoughts in the present moment, is like being aware of your blood pressure or pulse. It alerts us as to what we need to work on, and provides us with insights as to the nature of our selves.

“The way to do is to be.”

– Lao Tzu

I like to “be” by incorporating the practice of yoga and mindfulness in whatever I do. We may not have the luxury of living in caves and meditating all day, but even the busiest person can reserve 20 minutes out of his or her day to do so. I was recently reminded of an old Zen adage which proves that the problems of today are the same as the problems humanity faced centuries ago:

“You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day—unless you’re too busy; then you should sit for an hour.”

“Do your duty, Arjuna.”

 Krishna to Arjuna, Bhagavad-Gita

The duty of humanity is to shed our divisive past in favor of Love. Love is the essential healing force in a chaotic world filled with alarm clocks, endless meetings and deadlines. However, if we do our duty to ourselves and do the best job we can, our minds will not be self-critical. One’s ego will no longer criticize him or her for not doing enough or not being good enough. So Love is like a flu shot for the mind, preventing us from getting sick with regrets and second thoughts. It allows us to nip our regrets in the bud – which quiets the mind, in addition to calming our bodies.

There’s no wrong way of doing this. All it requires is having the courage to make the decision to open the door to Love for ourselves, and the audacity to reject the non-loving feelings that taint our hearts.  It’s a way of giving approval to ourselves. It’s a way of accepting who we are with whatever is working well in our lives at that particular moment. Right now I’m sitting. I’m grateful for that. Whatever is not working well, I’m still grateful for it. I’m grateful for the lessons that I may learn from that.  I’m still grateful for the opportunity to do something else.

“To love is to recognize yourself in another.”

Eckhart Tolle

As a coach, I share with my clients strategies to vaccinate themselves against non-loving feelings – in other words, we build an immunity against self-defeating thoughts, laying the groundwork for prevention rather than just sticking a band aid on the problem.

Contact me today to find out more.

Authentique Coaching
Denise K. Bonnaig, Esq.
(212) 374-1511
25 Murray Street
New York, NY 10007
denise@authentiquecoaching.com

Be Grateful For Who And What You Have

It was my third year in America when my son Nicolas was attending preschool. One day in November he came home and said to me, “Mommy on Thanksgiving we eat turkey.” That year was my first Thanksgiving celebration and soon my sister, and only close relative in America then, joined in on all the Thanksgiving traditions. We, too, were using the time off to be together and create memories.

That is what is so special about Thanksgiving: The getting together of families.

The family gatherings where I come from tended to occur, unfortunately, through funerals. That is why I am so grateful this year to see my sons and my first granddaughter, my sister and her family, in a setting of celebration. That is a tradition I will maintain: Sharing and moving forward together as a family – two things to be so grateful for.

Gratitude, I would define as the appreciation of Life, the appreciation of the things we might otherwise take for granted.

Growing up in a religious family, I felt my father gave away much more money to the church than he did to us children. This instilled a deep sense of service to others in me, as well as a recognition of all the things I have. I think that is the reason why my mission, my purpose in life, is to help people discover that they will be happier if they appreciate all of the little blessings in their lives – in other words, to empower themselves.

The hurricane reaffirmed to me that point.

What we perceive as a curse can just as easily be turned into a blessing. Like everyone else in lower Manhattan, I was without power. But I empowered myself; I spent some great moments getting to know myself, reflecting on myself and meditating. I wrote Thank You notes to the people I love and I went through my address book to see if there were any relationships that needed mending.

Likewise, my intention is to empower my yogis and my coachees to discover that they have the power to turn a situation around, from one that hurts to one that heals. To turn “I can’t!” into “I can!”

That is not possible without gratitude for the unnoticed, little things; without appreciating of the breath of life. As Meister Eckhart said:

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was ‘Thank you,’ that would suffice.”

This ThanksGiving, I invite you to share in my journey with an invigorating physical and spiritual two hour Meditation and Power Vinyasa Yoga Workshop at Dance Exposure II in Princeton.

Discover Your True Self And Allow Your Authentic Personality To Shine!

You will leave feeling stronger, more flexible and energized, and most importantly—full of gratitude on this day of giving Thanks.